


Dark Horse

by neonnex



Series: Dark Horse Universe [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (because there’s definitely potential there and I like that), (depending on the chapter), Alec & Lydia Friendship, Alec POV, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Development, Closeted Character, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hopeful Ending, Injured!Izzy, Internalized Homophobia, Lightwood Siblings Feels, M/M, Matchmaker!Izzy, Mild to Severe Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-26 09:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6233107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonnex/pseuds/neonnex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As cliché as it sounds, timing truly can be everything. What if Alec hadn't had a chance to propose to Lydia yet? What if Isabelle figured out what was going on much sooner and was the one to try and help Hodge when the Institute was breached? What if Hodge was knocked out and she was left alone to fend off the Forsaken? What if she took a crushing blow that left her unable to fight back and Magnus was the one who ended up saving her life? And not just once, but yet again when they realize that Isabelle has been poisoned and needs his magical expertise in order to save her?</p><p>Timing can be everything, and yet somehow, things are still just as complicated for Alec.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to finish my fic 'Carrier', but then 'Bad Blood' of Shadowhunters happened.
> 
> Soo I inadvertently lied and wrote this instead because I can't wait for the episode 'Malec' to air for these two losers to be happy, dammit.
> 
> Anyway, there's a total of three parts and it's complete, so I'll be posting each new chapter until the next episode on Tuesday. Also, I’ve watched the newest episode ('Rise Up') but I already wrote 10K by that point, so please keep that in mind. Since this is an AU, there may also be some things that don’t exactly line up with the show's timeline (honestly, some of it was just a lucky coincidence), but again, please keep this in mind. The timeline in this universe will also be stretched out over a longer period of time (for example, nothing with Meliorn will happen quite yet, at least in this story). It's also technically in the same universe as [If I Had You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6136573), and although you don't need to read that first in order to understand this story, there are small references alluding to it and some things will make more sense. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this as much as it’s helped me to write it!
> 
> Oh, and the title is from the Katy Perry song because I basically listened to it on repeat while writing this, and there’s also casual book series references throughout (along with a plot point or two) so if you’re able to find them, then good on you! Here’s your virtual cookie.
> 
> xx

* * *

“Lydia, do you have a minute?”

Lydia glances up at Alec as he walks into the room before looking back down at the report in her hands. It’s just the two of them again, just like earlier that day, so maybe that’s why she drops her guard down and lets him see the regret in her expression.

“Alec, I’m sorry about your parents,” Lydia apologizes, setting the report down on the desk to give him her full attention, like she owes him that much. “But my hands were tied.”

“I-I know. The law is hard, but it’s the law and I respect that. But I’ve realized that…,” Alec pauses here in order to take a deep breath, steadying himself for what he’s about to do. He chalks up the rapid beating of his heart to nerves. He can do this. He has to. “I have to listen to my heart.”

Lydia scoffs at him, though not unkindly.

“Let’s not forget where that got me.” Her smile is almost mocking, but not towards Alec. After their talk earlier that day, he knows that she’s referring to John.

Alec can do this.

“I know. And I can’t bring John back.” Alec takes a small step towards her, his gaze determined. He ignores the small part of himself that’s screaming at him from the inside, and violently pushes it back where it belongs because _this_ is what’s right. Alec needs to do what’s in his heart and _this_ is what it’s telling him to do. “But like you said: our families have been strong allies and we can use that to our advantage. Together, we can restore my family name _and_ we can keep the Institute.”

_This_ is what’s best for his family: for Max and Izzy, especially…for Jace. They’re what matters.

This is for them.

Recognition finally crosses Lydia’s features and she’s staring at Alec with a mixture of disbelief and perhaps even awe.

“And we’d get to run it?”

Alec smiles at her, but before he can do anything else they’re interrupted by a fellow Shadowhunter, who’s yelling at them with barely concealed panic. But Alec can’t process who they are, or what they even look like, because everything else is getting drowned out by the soundless roaring in his ears. All he can process are their frantic words:

“There’s been a breach! Miss Lightwood's in critical condition!”

Breach. Miss Lightwood. Critical condition.

Critical condition.

_Izzy—_

There are pricks of pain in his forearm, sharp and intense, and just like that, Alec is brought back to the present and the roaring is gone. He looks down to see that it’s Lydia who’s digging her nails into him, the only real indication of what she’s feeling. When she speaks, her voice only shows a calm authority with an edge that Alec hasn’t heard from her before.

“Take us to her.”

 

* * *

Lydia doesn’t waste any time when they barge in through the double doors of the infirmary, immediately approaching the bed where Hodge, who despite being in a bed getting patched up, is sitting upright and looking no worse for wear.

“Report. _Now_.”

Alec doesn’t wait to hear Hodge’s response when he zeroes in on the only other occupied bed, making a beeline straight for it. All he can tell so far is that Izzy isn’t moving, and the closer he gets, the more apparent it is that she’s _not_ okay. Far from it, in fact. Alec’s heart clenches tighter and tighter in his chest, his blood running cold before he even gets there, and when he finally does…

It only takes one analyzing sweep of his gaze before Alec is falling on his knees besides her, his body trembling.

Izzy looks so much worse up close.

Izzy’s skin is ashen: the normally healthy glow now a pasty mockery of its usual hue. There's a blossoming bruise high on her left cheekbone, swollen and angry-looking, matching the smaller (but so much more disturbing) bruises along her windpipe. She’s perspiring at the temples and her breathing is too quick, and her eyes which are capable of reflecting such mischief are now scrunched together tightly, her brow furrowed in obvious discomfort. When Alec grabs hold of her hand, it’s clammy and burning to the touch.

He thinks he might actually throw up.

“It looks bad, I know. But she _is_ stable.”

Alec’s head snaps up and he’s startled to find Magnus Bane sitting in a chair opposite the bed from him. Magnus isn’t looking at him, instead staring down at Izzy with an unreadable expression on his face. Without having Magnus looking back however, it’s all too easy for Alec to catalogue everything about him.

Despite how Magnus is hardly slouching in his seat, his posture is relaxed enough to show Alec just how truly exhausted he must feel. Dark bags, though not too prominent, are present under his eyes where they definitely weren’t the last time they saw each other. Even Magnus’s _shirt_ , which have always been in perfect condition before, now have a few, clear creases here and there.

Alec can't help but be concerned with how much magic Magnus had used to reach this point.

“I’ve been informed that the weapon was poisoned: that’s how it got into her system to begin with. Isabelle received a critical blow to the side and by all accounts, she should be dead.”

Lydia’s voice is coming from Alec's side, calm and to the point. Alec’s grip on Izzy’s hand tightens and he finds himself suddenly so _angry_ , although he can’t quite process yet who exactly he’s more angry at: whatever attacked Izzy or himself for failing to be there for her.

“But,” Lydia continues. “I’ve also been told that _you_ saved her. And not just once, but twice.”

_That_ definitely catches Alec’s attention and his focus on Magnus sharpens. It’s not at all difficult for Alec to figure out what Lydia means without her actually saying it. If Magnus hadn’t been called here, and hadn’t stuck around the Institute then Izzy would’ve….w-would’ve—

Alec can’t bring himself to finish that thought and Magnus _still_ hasn’t looked away from Izzy, only offering Lydia a half-hearted wave of his hand in response. As if saving Izzy’s life really hadn’t been a big deal. But what disturbs Alec about the whole exchange is that there’s _nothing_ : no smart comment or flippant remark (an “ _I_ don’t know. Does he normally just lay like that without moving” instantly coming to mind) and it’s all _wrong_. Alec wants to protest, to say something, _anything_ to get Magnus to _look at him_ when Izzy lets out a loud, pained gasp.

Before Alec can even react (by doing _what_ exactly, he hasn’t quite gotten that far yet), Magnus is surging into action and bending over right above Izzy, hovering his hand over her bandaged side. A pulse of bright blue magic settles itself around it and just like that, Izzy settles back down, mumbling something in her sleep, her face looking infinitely less pained. Alec is so relieved that he almost misses the movement at the corner of his eye, but when he looks up he notices that it’s _Magnus_. Magnus, who usually exudes such fluid grace, is now almost stiff when he goes to sit back down in his chair, and Alec frowns at that because that’s one more thing to add to the list of _wrong_ that’s Magnus Bane right now.

“The poison hasn’t spread far from the point of contact,” Magnus says,like he hadn’t heard Lydia. “But it’s…tricky, to say the least.”

Surprisingly, Lydia doesn’t comment on the obvious evasion.

“'Tricky' how?”

Magnus doesn’t respond at first. He continues to not look at either of them and that’s when Alec realizes that Magnus has been carefully _watching_ Izzy the entire time. _That’s_ why he was so quick to respond at the slightest hint of her pain; he was looking for it, and that makes Alec’s heart clench for an entirely different reason now.

Alec refuses to inspect the _why_ any closer though and turns to keep his own gaze firmly on his sister.

“This poison tends to…spread, and quite violently at that, if left unchecked. But although it’s rare I _have_ encountered this poison before. It’s from a very particular strain of the _daphne odora_ plant that mutates only during special circumstances. It has to occur during the phase of a new moon for one, and so does a key ingredient of the antidote.” Magnus pauses there, almost as if for dramatic flair but Alec knows that’s not right. Magnus’s voice sounds almost strained, and Alec wracks his brain to try to figure out why that could be but Magnus is already continuing. “Lucky for us, not only do I know someone who has that very key ingredient, but the plant itself is entirely demonic in nature and thus _very_ responsive to my warlock magic. It’s how I’ve been able to keep it in check. We’ll still need to make the antidote, of course, but I can buy us time until then. I’ve already made sure to give the list of everything we’ll need to Maryse. Her and Robert are gathering them as we speak.”

Alec’s heart clenches again, and it’s not the painful kind either.

“S-So you’re saying she’s gonna be okay?” Alec asks, finding his voice again. He needs to be sure that he’s hearing everything correctly. This is _Izzy_ that they’re talking about here, his _sister_ , and Alec needs to know because this is nothing like what happened with Jace and that demon. Jace may’ve been knocked out then but he didn’t look like Izzy. Like _this_.

Alec glances up and _finally_ Magnus is looking back at him, but Alec can only hold it for a mere heartbeat before his eyes flit back down to watch Izzy. Despite how short the moment was though, Alec feels _warm_ again for the first time since he heard what happened.

“She’ll feel much better once we give her the antidote but yes, she’s going to be okay.” Magnus hesitates for only a short second, before hedging somewhat cautiously. “However, if I’m allowed to remain close by afterwards then—”

“Done,” Lydia says before Magnus can even finish, and maybe Alec shouldn’t be so surprised but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little bit. If only because of how quickly Lydia agreed to allow a Downworlder to stay in the Institute for such an extended period of time, especially having just been under attack. Alec doesn’t look at Lydia when he feels her place a reassuring hand on each shoulder, giving him a firm but gentle squeeze. “I’m going to go take care of the breach and contact the Clave to make them aware of what’s happened. Alec, I want you to stay here and overlook Isabelle’s recovery.”

Alec doesn’t think twice about it when he reaches a hand back to grab onto one of Lydia's, giving it a rather shaky squeeze. He hopes that Lydia gets it and understands how grateful he is that she’s allowing him to watch over his sister. Judging by the quick squeeze he gets in return, Alec thinks she does. Then Lydia is off in a flurry of loud, clicking heels and she’s gone, leaving Magnus and Alec to watch over Izzy themselves.

“Isabelle is going to be okay, Alexander. You have my word,” Magnus says suddenly, making Alec look back at him. When their eyes lock again, Alec is taken aback by the intensity of that gaze. The contact this time is much longer than before, and Alec can’t be entirely sure, but there’s something almost speculative about it. Although why that is, Alec has no idea.

Magnus turns to Izzy then and the connection is broken. Alec lets out a deep, shaky breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding.

A tense silence falls between them and Alec tries to ignore the sudden awkwardness, all the while trying not to think too much about how much Magnus did— _is_ doing to save Izzy’s life.

He spectacularly fails at that too.

 

* * *

  

It’s been five and a half hours since the Institute was breached. Three, since Izzy has been given the antidote, and the only time Alec has moved is when Magnus finally demanded that he grab a chair to sit down on because simply _looking_ at Alec was making his own knees ache in protest.

“Why hasn’t she woken up yet? Shouldn’t she be awake by now?” his mother demands, pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed. Alec knows such a thing wouldn’t normally irritate him as much as it does right now, but that doesn’t mean that knowing that actually _helps_.

Alec grinds his teeth together but otherwise remains silent, continuing to hold onto Izzy’s hand. Despite not having woken up, he can feel that her temperature has gone back to normal, and Alec only has to look at her to see that she’s sleeping peacefully. Had been ever since Magnus gave her the antidote. But it’s late, and his father had just left with Max to put him to bed, and without Max there to force his mother to remain calm, she’s showing just how anxious she is. 

Alec has never seen her like this before and while part of him feels he should say something to help ease her worries, the way she’s talking at Magnus is _really_ rubbing him the wrong way. Magnus has done nothing but help Izzy. Why can’t his mother see that? If they can trust anyone, it’s him.

Alec certainly trusts Magnus more than he trusts her. Which isn't saying much. Alec hasn’t forgotten who his parents were in league with. They betrayed the Clave and they (rather conveniently might he add) kept that knowledge away from their family. From _him_. Alec doesn’t trust them, and no amount of love he has for them will change that.

Alec now is going to have to fix what they broke, and he’ll do it in his own terms too.

He has to.

“The poison has been completely flushed from her system,” Magnus patiently explains to her _yet again_ , apparently back to his old self as he replies in an offhanded manner. Magnus is currently using a bedside table next to Izzy’s bed in order to brew something that looks curiously like liquified amethyst. The liquid even reflects the light in a multitude of directions when it hits it just so. “But her body has still gone through a tremendous strain and needs to rest. She’ll wake up when she’s ready.”

“Is that suppose to make me feel—?”

“ _Enough_ , mother,” Alec says, finally having enough. The ensuing silence is deafening but Alec remains steadfast in his resolve, reassuring himself by watching Izzy’s expression. His sister is still just as peaceful as before and that eases the curl of tension inside of him, if only a little. The rest probably won’t go away until she completely heals from this.

Magnus clears his throat, perhaps a little too loudly. Or maybe it just sounds that way because of the immense size of the practically empty infirmary since Hodge and the others have left hours ago.

“As I was saying, her body only needs rest. There’s nothing more I can do for her except make sure she’s comfortable.”

“I’ll watch over her until she wakes up,” Alec immediately offers without hesitation. “So you can go now, mother.” It’s an obvious dismissal and everyone present is acutely aware of it, the room having gone deathly quiet once again.

“Jace and Clary still haven’t come back yet,” Alec adds, gentling his voice, the closest he’ll come to an apology. “You should be there when they do.”

It feels like a short eternity passes before his mother finally responds.

“Yes…but of course. I’ll leave Isabelle with you then. Send for me when she wakes up.”

There’s another tense pause, like she’s about to say something else, or wait for a confirmation from Alec, or perhaps even wait for Alec to apologize. He honestly doesn’t care. But his mother does neither and instead walks off without another word, the sounds of her heels in her stride made to appear controlled and unhurried as she does so.

“That’s…curious,” Magnus murmurs when she’s finally gone, and Alec glances up to watch Magnus busying himself by carefully pouring the amethyst liquid into the first small flask. 

Alec doesn’t think Magnus is talking about whatever potion he brewed.

“What’s that?” Alec asks, not only to move the conversation away from his uncharacteristic outburst (or rather, it _felt_ like one…he’s never talked back to his mother like that before, hardly believes he actually did, or even _why_ , and is it strange that there’s still a part of Alec that’s pained to know of the disappointment his mother surely feels for him because of it?) but really, Alec is genuinely curious of Magnus's answer.

“It’s an elixir that’ll help Isabelle sleep once she wakes up. The poison may be gone but her side is still healing. Not to mention all the other aches and pains she’s sure to have. This will allow her to get the rest she'll need,” Magnus answers somewhat distractedly, concentrating on putting a cork in the flask before moving onto the next one.

Alec’s throat constricts almost painfully. He can’t help but feel touched that Magnus had even thought to do something like that for Izzy, after all that he’s already done for her. No one else (not even himself, Alec is ashamed to admit) thought to do something that like for his sister, and it brings back that _warm_ feeling in his chest again.

Magnus appears blissfully unaware and continues to fill the remaining flasks until it’s all individually measured.

“There!” Magnus says with a wide grin. “That should last her for about, oh say…a week. But, should she need more, I’ll just brew another batch.”

Alec continues to stare at Magnus, a mixture of complicated feelings whirling around inside him (although none of them are _bad_ , Alec is surprised to find, but he’s also not entirely sure what they are either, if he’s being honest. Alec finds that he doesn’t really want to know) when Magnus turns to face him. Maybe it’s because Alec has already been looking at him but he’s certain that Magnus’s grin becomes strained, even though there’s nothing visibly different about it.

So not quite back to normal then.

Maybe Magnus exhausted more of his magic than Alec originally thought.

“Magnus—,” Alec starts, wanting to say so many different things in that moment. Not only to try to put into words how thankful he is for all that Magnus has done, but there’s also something else on the very tip of his tongue that’s trying to get out, when Alec feels something weakly squeeze his hand back.

Something squeezing his hand back—

“Alec…?”

Alec’s gaze snaps towards Izzy to see groggy, but very much awake eyes.

“Hey,” Alec whispers, instinctually leaning closer to her, using his free hand to stroke the hair out of her eyes so that he can see them better and reassure himself that she _is_ awake now. “Don’t move. You’re still healing.”

Alec barely catches Magnus moving in the corner of his eye, no doubt to give them some privacy and to call for their mother, when the hand that was holding onto Izzy’s darts out across the bed to catch his sleeve unbidden. Both of them look down at it in varying degrees of shock before Alec quickly composes himself. However his grip on Magnus’s sleeve remains tight.

“ _Thank you_.”

It’s not enough, will never be enough, but Alec puts as much earnest appreciation into those two words as he’s able to.

Magnus’s smile is surprisingly wistful and Alec isn’t sure what to make of that.

“Anytime.”

Alec tells himself that despite what it may’ve sounded like, Magnus wasn’t _actually_ promising him anything.

Alec refuses to think about why that bothers him as much as it does.

 

* * *

 

“Okay. _Spill._ ”

Alec pauses with his fork halfway to his mouth in order to raise an eyebrow at her. Izzy rolls her eyes dramatically and gives him a small huff of irritation.

“You and Magnus are acting…weird.”

Of _course_ , Izzy would ask that as soon as Magnus left the room, having left when Jace and Clary had finally returned and asked for him. It was supposedly very urgent and Alec tries not to let his bitterness show through when he’s reminded again that Jace _still_ hasn’t come to visit Izzy yet. Instead, Alec lets his eyebrow shoot up even higher before placing his fork back into his salad bowl. Looks like it’s going to be _that_ kind of conversation.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Izzy narrows her eyes at him.

“Of course not,” she says, not even bothering to keep the sarcasm out of her voice before practically shoving a spoonful of chicken broth into her mouth. Izzy has only been up for a little more than an hour but already she’s looking loads better, already keeping upright on her own and eating. Magnus warned that she still needs to stay in bed and get plenty of rest, along with only eating more bland foods that won’t upset her stomach for the first few days (hence the chicken broth), but other than that, and the fact that she needs some help to sit up, it’s almost easy to forget how close Alec was to losing her.

“I’m just saying,” Izzy continues, and it’s Alec this time who’s rolling his eyes. He should’ve known that Izzy wouldn’t just drop it, although this newfound determination on the subject is surprising. She’s certainly much more forward about it. “The last thirty minutes have been just downright _painful_ to watch.” Izzy points her spoon at him with a contemplative frown. “And don’t tell me that I’m imagining it because I’ve _seen_ you two together and Magnus hasn’t been nearly as flirty as before.”

Alec keeps his face blank but feels the tips of his ears heat up.

“Magnus does _not_ flirt with me.”

His sister, bless her soul, is looking at Alec like he’s a complete moron and Alec has never been happier to see that expression again.

“Really, Alec?”

Alec musters up a scowl to save face while simultaneously tampering down the childish urge to throw a piece of carrot at her from his salad.

Izzy nods once, seeming to take his silence as answer enough and continues on.

“I mean, sure, he’s been flirting with you but it’s…” Izzy brings the spoon to her mouth to nibble at it and Alec smiles at the gesture, despite the conversation he’s found himself in. “Toned down. Like _really_ toned down. I mean, when Lydia came by it became practically non-existent and—”

Izzy’s eyes widen then and suddenly Alec has a sinking feeling in his gut.

Uh oh.

“Alec.” Her voice is deceptively calm but Alec knows better. “What did you _do_?”

Alec braces himself and sets his mouth into a grim line. Why does she make him feel like he’s done something wrong? This is ridiculous.

“Nothing.”

“Alec—”

“ _Nothing’s_ happened yet, Izzy,” Alec snaps, for the first time since she woke up feeling wholly exasperated with her. Just why is she pushing him so hard about this? “S-So can you please just drop it already?”

“No.”

It’s that one word, spoken with such steadfast resolve that leaves Alec reeling. He hadn’t expected that from her, of all people, and he can only stare as she barrels forward.

“No, Alec, I won’t drop it because you’re my brother and you just said _yet_. You just said you haven’t done anything _yet_ and with the way Magnus has been acting, that can only mean one thing!”

That strikes a cord in Alec and he jerks out of his stupor.

“What’s Lydia got to do with Magn—”

“You’ve proposed to Lydia...haven’t you?” Izzy asks, and Alec hasn’t heard her voice sound so troubled in such a long time and he _hates_ himself for being the cause of it. Somehow Alec calmly holds her gaze, despite wanting nothing more than to look away.

“No, but I plan to.”

This time her words don’t shock him in the least.

“Promise me you won’t go through with it.”

Alec sighs and sets the salad bowl down on the bedside table closest to him before resting his elbows on the side of her bed, roughly rubbing his face with both hands.

“Izzy, this is something I have to do. Our family—”

“Will be perfectly fine without you being married off to some stuck-up broad,” Izzy smoothly cuts in, as if that perfectly decides the matter and is that easy. Alec bitterly laughs at that.

“Lydia isn’t a…’stuck-up broad’.” Izzy opens her mouth to object but Alec talks right over her. “And it’s not like that. Look, don’t you see, Izzy? We _need_ this alliance to restore our family name _and_ to keep the Institute—” Izzy looks beyond shocked at that tidbit of information but she composes herself quickly. “And Lydia is perfect for that. I have to do this, I—”

“The ‘family name’?” Izzy mocks with a level of bitterness that rivals his own. “The Institute? It’s not worth it if you to have to sacrifice your own happiness, _Alec_.” And just like that, Alec is left reeling again.

“I’m not sacrificing—”

“You’re _gay_ , Alec,” Izzy emphasizes rather harshly, and everything in that moment _stops_ , making Alec's blood run cold but she refuses to stop there. “And I’m _done_ tiptoeing around this with you because you’re about to make the biggest mistake of your life and I can’t just stand by and watch you ruin it!” Izzy goes to grab his hand and Alec lets her. “Y-You’ll have to fill me in on what’s changed but we’ll figure something else out, okay? Even if the Clave ends up taking the Institute away from us, we will _always_ have each other. Don’t you see that?” Izzy places a trembling hand against Alec’s cheek and he lets her move his face so that he’s forced to look at her, her damp eyes imploring him to understand. “I love you, big bro. That’s _never_ going to change. I’ll always have your back, no matter what. So just…do what makes _you_ happy, okay?”

Alec blinks slowly and swallows down the huge lump in his throat. It’s one thing to ignore it and push it far back where it belongs, but it’s another thing entirely when it’s said so blatantly to his face. Especially since— _because_ it’s Izzy. Izzy, who almost died, who he’d do _anything_ for, is telling him this and that somehow makes it even more impossible to ignore. That’s besides the fact that lately, it’s never been so hard for Alec to do. Not until Magnus appeared in his life, that is.

Magnus Bane with his damn borderline obsession with glitter (and that’s putting it lightly), and all those extravagant rings and jewelry, and those _outfits_ , and his wide array of hand gestures while he talks is distracting, and how can hair that soft looking always be defying the laws of physics? And does eye makeup always make brown eyes just… _light up_ like that? Or maybe it’s because of that little smirk he always seems to toss Alec’s way and sometimes, if Alec is lucky, that same smirk will turn soft and gentle and so _fond_ and shit, Magnus _saved Izzy’s life_. Not only once, but twice, and fine, watching him take care of Izzy does something to Alec, okay? He can admit that much at least because his family is everything to him and Magnus has always been quite magical before but now—

“Um… Q-Quite the outburst there, Izzy. What happened to ‘growing up’?” Alec asks in a feeble attempt to find familiar ground with the usual sarcasm because _fuck_ , he needs those thoughts of Magnus to stop _right there_.

The wet smile she throws at him is all too knowing.

“Strangely enough, almost dying gives you a whole new perspective on what’s actually important… Made me finally realize that the both of our happiness is a better legacy than a reputation could ever be.”

Alec knows what she’s saying, can understand her words _perfectly_ but the words themselves…he’s not sure what to make of those, and they leave him feeling suddenly conflicted. He tries to tell himself that what she’s saying doesn’t change anything: marrying Lydia is the only sure way to solve all of their problems and she’s not a bad person. Alec knows he could do much worse than her. That… _that_ is the best thing Alec can do for his family in the long run. They’re everything to him and _that’s_ what he needs to do in order for them to be safe; to be happy. Especially after what just happened.

Right…?

Alec clenches his eyes shut to try to force the images of Magnus keeping watch over Izzy and taking care of her out of his head but it only makes everything worse and he _hates_ this.

Izzy gently slides her hand until it’s at the back of Alec’s neck before giving it a firm, reassuring squeeze.

“It’s going to be okay, Alec. Just…think about what I’ve said.”

And dammit if she doesn’t sound so _fucking_ sincere and supportive but she _doesn’t get it_ , can’t possibly understand what Alec is feeling and what would happen if it got out. How would Max, how would _Jace_  feel about it if they knew the truth? Alec couldn’t stand it if they looked at him differently and their _parents_. What would _they_ think if they found out that he’s…h-he’s…

_Fuck_ , the infirmary feels too imposing now, too small, and—

“Izzy!”

Both Alec and Izzy look over stunned to see Clary running over to meet them, Jace rushing close behind with Magnus trailing back at a more leisurely pace. Alec doesn’t have time to move before Clary knocks into him while practically throwing herself into Izzy’s arms, although thankfully she’s somehow avoided aggravating any of Izzy's wounds or the forgotten soup in her lap.

“Oh my god, Izzy, I’m so sorry! I swear, we tried to visit you as soon as we heard but Maryse demanded that we meet up with her to explain where we’ve been and then she sent for Magnus to confirm our story and just _oh my god, Izzy, are you okay_?”

Izzy laughs when Clary finally gets some air into her lungs and Alec can hear Jace asking about Izzy in concern but Alec can’t listen to this anymore, hates how close Clary is to him and like he’s been burned, he jolts out of his chair and away from her but in doing so only bumps back right into Jace.

“Hey, sorry we took so long,” Jace tells him in a rush, holding onto Alec’s bicep in an attempt to try and steady him. “Alec, there’s _a lot_ I gotta catch you up on.” 

But not even his _parabatai_ (or maybe it’s _because_ it’s Jace) is able to make this claustrophobic feeling go away and Jace’s grip on his arm is too much and too tight and Alec just needs a moment to fucking _breathe already_.

Then the pressure on his arm is gone and Alec is faintly aware of Magnus’s hand holding back Jace and Jace’s look of utter shock at that because Alec takes his chance and _walks_.

“Alec!”

Alec ignores whoever called out his name and keeps on walking.

He doesn’t look back.


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So heads up, I gave Max more of a personality in my story because the kid in the show is adorable AF but he has so little change in his voice or expression that it rivals that of even Alec’s stoic nature. And Max is 9, so it’s weird. Even if he is a Shadowhunter. So I took some creative license with that.
> 
> Oh, and at one point Magnus’s getup will basically be the same as the promo pics of him in the episode 'Malec' linked [here](http://mortalinstrumentsinfernaldevices.tumblr.com/post/140738838048/shadowhunters-episode-12-malec-promo-photos) because I am trash.
> 
> On a more serious note, I would like to truly thank each and every one of you for the lovely comments, the general support, the bookmarks, and the kudos. I am so overwhelmingly happy that people seem to enjoy this story as much as they do, and I can't express enough how much that means to me. I'll be sure to appropriately reply to the comments when I have the free time to spare for them, but I just wanted to let you guys know as I post this.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy reading this new chapter as much as the last one (if not more).
> 
> xx

“Wow. What did that punching bag ever do to you?”

Alec ignores the question and lands another brutal jab on the bag before following it up with a flurry of calculated jabs in quick succession.

“They’re worried about you, you know.”

Alec scoffs, catching the bag with one hand as it bounces back from his last hit.

“And who might ‘they’ be?” he asks, unable to keep the bite out of his words. Lydia doesn’t respond right away, but Alec can already tell that this conversation is far from over, so he goes over to grab his shirt from where he tossed it on the bench earlier.

“Jace Wayland, for one. Said he hasn’t seen you at all since the infirmary last night. He tried to hide it, but he looked worried.” Alec freezes at that, suddenly glad that his back is towards Lydia so that she can’t see his expression right now. It takes longer than normal for Alec to school it back under control. “Clary Fairchild was with him as well—” What a shocker. “And also asked about you. Apparently, you left the infirmary in quite the rush.” A small pause. “Oddly enough, Isabelle didn’t look nearly as concerned.”

It doesn’t escape Alec’s notice that she doesn’t mention Magnus Bane in all this but then again, why would she? Magnus has probably already left the Institute, now that his job is done and Izzy is stable. There’s absolutely no more reason for him to stay and besides, as far as Lydia knows, he and Magnus hardly know each other, can’t even be classified as ‘friends’, let alone— 

Alec violently stops those thoughts right there.

No, Magnus and Alec aren’t anything at all.

Alec huffs out a laugh at that. It’s not a happy sound.

“Why are you really here, Lydia?” Alec asks, cutting to the chase and finally tugging his shirt on over his head before turning around to face her. Lydia is leaning against the far glass wall, her arms crossed over her chest with a look of determination that reminds Alec _way_ too much of Izzy.

“What? I can’t check in on you to see how you’re doing?”

Alec raises an eyebrow at her.

“I’m not the one that got attacked.”

Lydia shifts her weight only a fraction but for Alec it’s enough.

“Look, Alec. I know we haven’t really talked—”

“Now’s really not a good time.” Alec feels almost bad for cutting her off like that but _fuck_ , he hasn’t nearly figured out what he’s suppose to do now. Alec doesn’t have much time before the Clave takes the Institute away from his family, and Alec needs to act soon if he wants to stop that from happening. But dammit if Izzy’s words are blurring the lines and making Alec question _everything_. Alec just needs more time, but he simultaneously doesn’t actually want to think about it either (hence spending the entire morning hitting the punching bag when he couldn't fall back asleep at 4 AM) and just… _screw it_.

Everything was so much simpler before Izzy decided to confront Alec about things that shouldn’t matter. Alec thought he knew what his heart was telling him to do. _Magnus himself_ told Alec that he needed to do what was in his heart and live his own life. Now everything is just one giant, tangled, mess of a situation and Alec isn't sure what he’s suppose to do anymore.

How can marrying Lydia not be what’s right for Alec if it’s what’s right for his family? Alec and Lydia would be able to run the New York Institute and together, they’ll make sure that another breach like the one before never happens again. _That’s_ what’s best for Alec's family. They’ll be safe and happy, and Alec doesn’t need anything else.

Besides, what else could possibly make him happier?

A memory of Alec's fingers wrapping around long, slender ones and triumphant, silver-lined eyes comes back completely unbidden, and Alec _really_ wants to get back to punching again.

“I know,” Lydia agrees, and Alec startles at her voice but hastily covers it up, having forgotten that he wasn’t alone. What’s also startling though is how sincere Lydia looks in this moment. “I mean, your sister is doing better but she’s still recovering, so I’m sure you haven’t been thinking of much else lately—” Alec doesn’t bother to correct her. “And besides, we’ve still got some time before we need to discuss… _that._  But, what I was trying to say before is that despite the fact that we haven’t talked much…I do know what it’s like to be terrified for someone that you care about. And if you ever want to, you know? Talk to someone about it? I’m all ears.”

Alec doesn’t say anything now for a whole different reason and Lydia gives him the barest hint of a smile, taking that as her cue to leave with a slight inclination of her head. Lydia doesn’t even make it down the first step out of the room before Alec calls out to her.

“Lydia, wait.”

Lydia stops walking but doesn’t turn around, and Alec finds himself grateful for that. It’ll be easier for the both of them this way.

“Do you regret going against your parents’ wishes?”

The unasked questions hang in the air between them heavily.

_Do you regret marrying John?_

_Do you regret being with the love of your life?_

Alec suddenly finds himself needing to know her answer.

Lydia’s shoulders visibly tense and Alec knows that she’s understood. The silence between them stretches on but Alec waits patiently, understanding that what he’s asking of her is a lot.

“I don’t know.”

Lydia’s words, when they’re finally spoken, are soft, _wistful_ , and yet barely hides the utter agony that lies right underneath the surface. This time when Lydia walks down the rest of the stairs and leaves the room, Alec lets her.

 

* * *

 

Alec doesn’t stay much longer after that.

It’s well after noon by the time he’s finally heading off to the infirmary, having just freshly showered and changed. As much as Alec dreads the talk that’s sure to follow when he gets there, his need to check up on Izzy is even stronger.

Alec is right outside the double doors of the infirmary, but pauses as he’s about to open them when he hears it: muffled (almost conspiratorial in nature) murmuring that’s impossible for him to make out. Then there's a bright peal of laughter that quickly gets shushed by another voice, this one distinctly feminine. Curious, Alec carefully turns the handle to open a door just so, and what he sees inside makes his heart melt.

Max is tucked within Izzy’s uninjured side, her arm draped around his shoulders in an attempt to keep him from toppling forward because he’s leaning forward that much. His eyes are wide and full of childishwonder, his mouth gaping, and even Izzy looks enraptured at the various shades of blue shapes that are surrounding all around them, dancing among them in vivid detail. They’re playing out what looks to be a complicated scene, something to do with a girl in a tall tower. Flashes of bright gold make an appearance once in awhile to help distinguish her by her absurdly long hair. But watching them act so obviously delighted isn’t why Alec suddenly can’t get a proper breath into his lungs.

Because there, sitting cross-legged at the foot of the bed right across from them and looking entirely at ease, is _Magnus_. Who’s strangely wearing all black. Alec’s eyes roam downward, cataloguing what he can from where he’s standing. Magnus’s outfit is so… _tame_ compared to what he normally wears. Alec can’t even find any flashes reflecting off of anything to indicate any jewelry, and Magnus’s clothes look like they only comprise of a simple, loose black tee and sweatpants.

Wait.

Are those _Alec’s_ clo—?

“Kindly close the door when you come in, would you?”

Alec startles and his eyes instantly flit back up to find Magnus looking right at him, one eyebrow raised in question and looking far too amused. Alec feels the tips of his ears burn at having been caught staring so blatantly.

“ALEC!” Max yells, carefully shuffling out from underneath’s Izzy’s arm in order to hop off the bed and run towards him. The blue illusion fades out as soon as Max goes through it, and Alec barely has time to push the door shut with his back before bending down to catch an armful of Max. Alec grins at such a dramatic display for having only last seen him the night before. It's hardly enough time to miss Alec, really.

“You have to come over and see what Magnus can do!” Max urges, already wriggling away from Alec’s grasp so that he can impatiently tug at the end of Alec’s sleeve towards the bed. “Magnus can perform magic, Alec! _Real magic_! He doesn’t need a stele or anything and you _have to come see_!”

Alec chuckles and allows Max to tug him along, and well...if Max struggles to pull him here and there, then no one but Alec has to be the wiser. However the playful smirk that Izzy throws his way lets Alec know that he’s not being nearly as discrete as he thought, so with only minor reluctance, Alec lets up completely so that they finally make it to the bed. Alec watches Max crawl back into place with a fond smile.

“Jace and Clary have gone to Magnus’s in order to pick up a few things. So Magnus here decided to show Max a few tricks while we waited,” Izzy explains apropos of nothing, and Alec realizes then that the two indeed weren’t around, and _that_ realization makes Alec feel completely wrong-footed all of a sudden. Honestly, Alec hadn’t even _thought_ about where Jace and Clary could be. Especially why _Jace_  wasn’t here, and isn’t that a confusing development.

Alec rapidly blinks the thoughts away so that he can focus on the matter at hand.

“And Lydia just let them…what? Leave the Institute again?” Alec asks. “I have a hard time believing that. A-And what would they need at Magnus’s that’s so important?”

“I don't like Lydia,” Max announces suddenly, and Alec is so taken aback by the vehemence in that statement that he gets sidetracked.

“Why don’t you like Lydia?” Alec asks. Izzy shoots Alec a look like he’s being purposely obtuse.

“She’s always saying mean stuff to everyone,” Max replies, and Alec’s focus on Max sharpens at the implication, his eyes narrowing.

“Is Lydia not being nice to you, Max?” Alec asks, his tone tense. Alec knows that Lydia and _Izzy_ don’t necessarily get along, but that makes sense with everything going on right now. Especially since Izzy (for whatever reason) sees Lydia as some kind of obstacle that needs to be dealt with. But Alec is sure that once everything blows over that they’ll get along fine. Probably (hopefully). What Alec hadn’t considered as a possibility though was _this_ because while Izzy can take care of herself, Max is still just a little kid. If Alec finds out that Lydia is saying or doing _anything_ to hurt him…

Max slumps back dramatically against Izzy’s side and scrunches up his face.

“No…she usually just ignores me,” Max admits rather reluctantly, and Alec isn’t sure why he doesn’t feel more happy to hear that. “But! She’s still not nice! Magnus is _way_ better! He’s super nice to me and he can do _magic_ , Alec!”

Alec slowly blinks at Max, not quite sure how Magnus fit into a conversation about Lydia. Magnus himself is trying to cover up his giggling with a loud cough and the smile that lights up Izzy’s whole face can only be called ‘triumphant’.

“Lydia is just doing her job, Max. She’s not a bad person,” Alec defends, and Alec can tell that Izzy is about to interject with a snarky comment so he hastily adds. “And Izzy, you _still_ haven’t explained what Jace and the little girl need at Magnus’s.”

This time it’s Magnus who speaks up.

“Well, as comfortable as these clothes are to sleep in, I can’t be expected to wear them for the rest of the day, now can I? I _do_ have a reputation to uphold, after all.”

Alec finally looks down at Magnus in order to explain to him how Lydia is the last person to allow Clary to leave the watchful eye of the Institute over _clothes_ , of all things, especially after the breach in security they just had. But the words get stuck in his throat and for a moment Alec forgets what they’re talking about. For the second time that day, Alec is breathless because instead of looking into eyes layered with eyeshadow, or even eyeliner, they’re completely bare save for a few stubborn specks of glitter dotting along his cheekbones like constellations. Magnus looks disheveled, but well-rested, and Alec can’t help but think how utterly _gorgeous_ he is like _this_ too. Seriously, how can someone always look that good no matter what? By the Angel, Magnus is only wearing black sweats and a tee.

Speaking of that tee...up this close, Alec can see the decently large tear at the collar from when Jace accidentally ripped it during a particular sparring match, and that’s _definitely_ Alec’s shirt.

“You’re wearing my shirt?” Alec blurts out.

“I’m also in your pants,” Magnus points out without missing a beat, and Izzy’s surprised laughter sounds way too thrilled, and Max is now asking their sister what’s so funny, and can the ground just swallow Alec up right now, _please_.

Alec’s embarrassment turns to concern however when he sees that Magnus looks strangely uncomfortable all of a sudden. Almost like he hadn’t meant to say that but couldn’t help himself. Within an instant though the look is gone and replaced by a self-satisfied smirk, but Alec knows better: he knows what he saw.

“But as lovely as these are, I refuse to be seen outside of this infirmary in anything but my absolute best,” Magnus says before adding with a careless wave of his hand. “So Clary and the Wayland boy offered to go to my place for me. Miss Branwell won’t even notice they’re gone.”

“Simon’s going to meet them there and let them in,” Izzy supplies before Alec can object (because seriously, _when_ have things gone their way lately?). Alec turns to her and frowns at that because why in the _hell_  would a dead mundane have a key to—

Izzy looks over Max’s head to give Alec a _look_.

Ah.

Alec takes care to keep his face neutral.

“I see,” Alec says, and he _does_. If Simon is walking around again then it’s obvious what happened last night. So Clary and Jace must be using this opportunity to go check in on him: a vampire. And a newly-made, bloodthirsty one at that. Leaving Jace with only half a Shadowhunter as backup. Great. Just great.

Clary Fray keeps finding new and inventive ways to bite him in the ass, it seems.

“Who’s Simon?” Max asks, and Izzy instantly has this gleam in her eyes.

“Why, he’s Magnus’s boyfriend, of course,” Izzy replies far too easily, and Max simply nods his head in understanding, like that answer made perfect sense, not even _questioning_ the idea of two men being in a relationship together. Magnus lets out an undignified squawk, as if it’s a ridiculous notion for him to be like that with _Simon_ , of all people, and Alec just blankly stares at Izzy, not knowing how he should feel about any of that.

“Wait. If Simon is Magnus’s boyfriend why can’t _he_ come over to drop off his stuff?” Max asks, and Alec not only wonders when Max got so perceptive, but also _swears_ that hearing Simon being called Magnus’s boyfriend doesn’t get any less weird a second time. Magnus seems to agree if the choked-off sound coming out of him is anything to go by. Thankfully, Max isn’t perceptive enough to notice either of them as he looks up at Izzy curiously.

“Simon's a mundane and you _know_ how mundanes aren’t allowed near the Institute,” Izzy explains patiently, bopping a finger on Max's nose, and Alec is starting to become more than a little worried about how quickly and confidently his sister is able to lie sometimes. Max gives another sage nod of understanding before frowning all of a sudden, and Alec’s blood goes cold.

“Does that mean we won’t get to meet him?” Max asks, looking genuinely disheartened by that, and Izzy looks down at him with a gentle smile.

“I’m afraid not, but don’t worry—,” Izzy’s eyes look over towards Alec then, her smile gentling even further. “Simon and Magnus make each other very happy, and that’s what matters, right?”

“Right!” Max instantly agrees before turning to look over at Magnus, his expression turning very serious. “I’m glad because everyone should have someone that makes them happy.”

Izzy looks infinitely proud of their little brother.

“I couldn’t agree with you more, Max!” she says with a laugh, hugging him close to her with one arm and placing loud, wet kisses all over the top of his head. Max giggles shrilly, squirming around to try and escape, but Izzy refuses to let go of him so easily. Alec’s vision starts blurring around the edges, and it’s a good thing that they’re distracted with each other because when Alec goes to reach up with a hand to wonder why that is, it comes back wet and he realizes he’s starting to _cry_ and that just won’t do: the last thing Alec needs is to trouble both Max _and_ Izzy. Alec hastily rubs his face with both hands and hopes it won’t be too noticeable.

Alec pauses during a mid-stroke down his face when something softly nudges into his thigh. When Alec looks down between his fingers, he sees that it’s Magnus’s bare foot, and Alec hesitantly looks up into his face and is surprised to find the utter lack of judgment in that gaze. Magnus actually looks _concerned_ , his head cocking to the side in a silent question that Alec is certain he can almost hear.

_Are you okay?_

Alec’s eyes tear up again at such a thoughtful gesture, though he refuses to let them fall. But the question does make Alec aware of how _good_ he actually feels, and he lets out a short, but nearly silent, huff of laughter in relief. It’s like part of a huge weight is being lifted from his shoulders, and Alec feels great for the first time in awhile.

Maybe Izzy is actually right for once. Maybe everything’ll turn out okay.

“Alec, what’s wrong?” Max asks, having finally stopped being assaulted by Izzy’s kisses and frowning up at him in concern. Izzy is also looking at him with a similar expression but one that’s all too knowing.

Alec uses his hands to give his eyes another quick, rough swipe.

“I-I’m fine,” Alec tells them and strangely enough he means that. “Don’t worry about it, Max. I just…remembered something, that’s all.”

Max seems to mull that over before becoming visibly excited.

“You should sit down with us and watch Magnus perform Repuntel!”

“Rapunzel,” Magnus corrects gently, leaning over to ruffle Max’s hair fondly. Alec is momentarily stunned by how effortless the action looks. Max scowls and swats Magnus’s hand away playfully.

“As I was _saying,_ we were at the part where the thief is gonna find the tower!”

“A _thief_?” Alec asks with a weak smile, raising an eyebrow at Magnus in question.

“I’m rather fond of the Disney version of this story,” Magnus explains. Like that’s suppose to make any sense.

“What’s 'Disney'?” they all ask in almost eerie unison, and Magnus looks like their words physically _hurt_ him.

“Well. If we weren’t finishing the story before we are _definitely_ finishing it now. If only so that we can move on to the next one so please, Alexander, kindly take a seat so that we can start.”

Alec glances around to find a chair to sit on but Max makes an outraged noise of protest.

“Alec, you can’t sit in a _chair_! It’s not the same!”

Alec doesn’t know what he’s suppose to do with that kind of logic.

“Where else am I suppose to sit, Max?” Alec asks, because really, that twin bed barely fits the three of them as it is.

“You sit next to Magnus, _duh_ ,” Max answers with an exaggerated roll of his eyes, like Alec is so stupid for not realizing this all on his own, and Alec briefly wonders when he got saddled with two snarky siblings instead of just one.

Izzy is struggling to contain her laughter within Max’s hair, and Magnus isn't meeting Alec’s eyes. Alec himself isn’t sure how the hell he’s suppose to get out of this one.

“Hurry _up_ , Alec! I wanna hear the rest of the story!” Max whines, looking both impatient and excited in equal measure. Alec uses a moment to take a deep, steadying breath in an attempt to calm down his now rapidly beating heart before releasing it out on a shaky exhale. Slowly, Alec makes his way towards the bed and all too soon, he’s right at the edge. Magnus quickly uncrosses his legs and scoots himself over to give Alec as much space as he can, which, granted, isn’t much.

Alec tries really hard not to invade too much into Magnus’s personal space (he _does_ ) but neither of them are exactly short, and they’re both fairly broad shouldered too. It’s impossible not to constantly knock shoulders with him. Not to mention that there’s hardly any room to begin with, so it shouldn’t come as a huge shock to anyone that Alec ends up being pressed _right_ alongside Magnus’s body. All the way from his from shoulder to his shin. One of the few parts of Alec's body that _aren’t_ touching Magnus’s are his arms (which are awkwardly resting between the inside of his bent legs with his hands clasped tightly together because Alec isn’t entirely sure where else he’s suppose to place them without it being weird), the left side of Alec's body that’s currently almost falling off the bed, and everything else in between. Which is something else that Alec _definitely_ doesn’t need to think about right now.

Alec can’t help but find himself hyperaware of every little point of contact between them: how he can feel Magnus’s body shift each and every time he simply _breathes_ , and by the Angel, Magnus is _gesturing_ with both hands now, conjuring up his magic in order to continue the story where he last left off, while being careful not to accidentally hit Alec at the same time. Alec stares through the blue and gold shapes moving around them without actually seeing them, isn’t able to even hear a word Magnus is saying over the continual, rapid beating of his own heart.

Suddenly, Alec has this eerie feeling that someone is watching him then, and he looks across the bed to find Izzy as its source. Alec only hopes that Magnus is into his storytelling as much as Max is, because when Izzy realizes she’s got Alec’s full attention, she nods her chin towards Magnus and raises up an expectant eyebrow. It feels like a challenge.

Alec pales at the insinuation and gives a rough jerk of his head in the negative, urging her to drop it. It’s too soon. Alec is nowhere _near_ figured out what he’s supposed to do about Lydia. Doesn’t know how to even decide something like that when it used to be so simple, but now is suddenly not.

His sister’s newfound determination on the subject is _really_ starting to get old because Izzy gives another hard jerk of her chin towards Magnus while simultaneously raising her eyebrow even _higher_ and dammit, if she was considered subtle before then she’s a damn flashing, neon sign right now!

Seeing no other option if he has any hope of them remaining unnoticed, Alec huffs out a sigh and ignores how his heart goes into overdrive when he cautiously moves his leg until it rests more firmly against Magnus’s, hoping that’d be enough to appease her. Magnus doesn’t seem to notice (if his current enthusiasm during a part in his storytelling is anything to go by) and when Alec looks back at Izzy, she’s actually _scowling_ at him, like that wasn’t at all what she wanted him to do, and that irritates Alec to. No. End. What more can she possibly want from him? Hasn’t she demanded enough? 

Alec is so irritated at his sister that maybe _that’s_ why Alec throws caution to the wind and shifts his arms around without thinking, sliding the palm of his hand around Magnus’s knee so that he can draw their legs together even _closer_ before Alec brings over his other hand to intertwine his fingers so that they remain that way. The whole maneuver is awkward, to say the least, but Alec manages so it _works_. So there. He’s basically _hugging_ Magnus’s leg to his now. Alec raises an eyebrow at Izzy, silently asking her if _this_ is good enough for her.

Izzy’s eyes are practically bugging out of her skull, but before Alec can feel any real sense of smug satisfaction about achieving that look, he feels Magnus _shiver_. It’s a small thing, almost discernible. Alec himself almost misses it, but being this close with so much of his own body touching Magnus's, that’s just not possible. It sounds so stupid now, but Alec never imagined Magnus being capable of such a thing. Alec regards Magnus at the corner of his eye, wondering what else he’s missed because in that moment, Alec realizes that he doesn’t _know_ that much about him.

Suddenly, Alec finds himself wanting to know more.

Alec wants to know everything about Magnus Bane.

There’s an answering squeeze on Alec’s bicep then, startling him out of his thoughts. Alec tilts his head down to see that it’s _Magnus_ , having crossed one arm over the other so that his fingers could comfortably curl around Alec, leaving the other to do as he pleases.

Alec’s heart stutters at the sight.

“Pay attention, Alexander, or you’re going to miss the best part,” Magnus chastises lightly, and Alec’s eyes look back up to see lips curling in a cautious, but pleased, smile, and Alec fights the sudden urge to lean into them. It only lasts for a mere beat before Magnus turns his attention back to the scene, breaking their connection to continue the story on one-handed while still holding onto Alec’s arm. Magnus is absently rubbing his thumb along the outside of Alec’s arm and Alec feels so _warm_.Alec can’t even find it in himself to be mortified by what he’d done if it gets him _that_ kind of reaction.

Something gently nudges at his foot from underneath the bed covers, and Alec turns his head towards Izzy to see her watching them from on top of Max’s head, a proud smile on her face that’s not quite hidden away in his hair. His sister’s eyes briefly flit over towards Magnus’s direction before returning to Alec’s. Izzy’s smile turns encouraging, like she knows exactly what’s going through Alec’s head, and she gives him an exaggerated wink.

Alec rolls his eyes good-naturedly but doesn’t remove his hands from Magnus’s knee (Alec tells himself that it's because it’d be too suspicious for him to move now, and that Max would just end up finally noticing if Alec did anyway) and instead turns his full attention to the scene that’s playing itself around them.

“Wait. Why’s that guy fighting an armed horse with a—” Alec squints because no, he can’t be seeing that right. “ _Frying pan_? Really?”

The simultaneous groans from both Magnus and Max do nothing but make Alec bark out a rather loud laugh in how similar the two sound to one another. Alec laughs even louder when Max starts to kick at Alec's legs and complain about how Alec isn’t paying attention to something so ' _obviously amazing'_  and _'how could you_ not _pay attention, Alec?! It’s so_ cool _!'_

Izzy looks positively delighted during the whole exchange, but if she notices that Magnus gives Alec’s bicep a small squeeze in silent forgiveness, then she doesn’t show it.

 

* * *

 

Magnus is about to show them a Disney tale about a loyal Chinese warrior, her trusty steed, and a miniature dragon (oh, and a _cricket_ , which for some unfathomable reason to Alec, Magnus insisted was just as important as the other characters), when the doors to the infirmary suddenly burst open and with a jolt, Alec instantly disentangles himself from Magnus and tenses in preparation (for what, Alec doesn't want to even _think_ about).

Alec can't bring himself to look at Magnus, dreading to see the expression that's sure to be on his face, and wonders if Magnus will be disappointed with him now too. Hopefully whoever came in couldn’t tell what Alec was just doing from there, and Alec only hopes that Max is too distracted by the commotion to finally notice the position that the two of them were in.

“Hey, we're back! Magnus, we’ve got everything you asked for!” Clary calls out, carrying a medium-sized duffel bag with thankfully only Jace in tow. Alec releases a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding before immediately berating himself for doing something so incredibly  _stupid_ out in the open like that. Where anyone could’ve just walked in and saw them. Alec just got so caught up in the moment, and Max was too enraptured by Rapunzel to even notice, and Magnus and his siblings all looked so happy, and just… _dammit._

Alec got careless.

Jace and Clary aren’t acting like they saw anything strange though… and Alec finally lets himself relax a little at that.

“Biscuit, you are a _life-saver_!” Magnus says, and...Magnus doesn't _sound_ mad, or even upset. There's nothing off about his tone to indicate either, and Magnus still actually sounds perfectly happy. Alec's frown is confused, and when he feels Magnus move farther away, the bed dipping down slightly at the lost weight, Alec finds that he already misses Magnus's warmth.

Clary sets the duffel down on a bedside table next to them, but Magnus doesn’t move towards it. In fact, Alec doesn’t hear him moving at all. Finding himself curious at that, Alec turns to look up at Magnus, and once Magnus realizes he has Alec’s attention, raises both eyebrows before throwing a wink his way. Magnus then lifts up a hand and snaps his fingers. There’s only a brief spark of blue that ignites between them and then just like that, his outfit has completely changed. The borrowed tee and sweats are now gone, and while there’s a part of Alec that misses seeing Magnus wear them, he can’t help but appreciate what Magnus has on now.

Alec’s eyes start at the dark grey, double-breasted jacket that accentuates his shoulders nicely, following along them towards Magnus’s throat to see that it’s being worn over two different blue collared shirts of complimenting, but muted, shades. Continuing downwards along the jacket’s two rows of buttons, Alec finds tailored, blue trousers that perfectly match both the innermost shirt, but the sides of the pant legs having an accent stripe that also matches the color of the other. The trousers are neatly tucked into black, leather combat boots and as Alec’s eyes make a final sweep back upwards, he notices that they match fingerless, black leather gloves. The outfit is understated yet so utterly _Magnus_ and Alec is struck breathless again by how _gorgeous_ he is.

“ _Woah_! You can use magic for _that_ too?!” Max exclaims in absolute awe, and with a jolt, Alec realizes that he was just _checking Magnus out_. In front of everyone. Alec’s eyes snap back upward to Magnus’s face in mild panic to see if _he_ noticed, and judging by the smirk Magnus is giving him, he _definitely did_.

Alec feels the tips of his ears burn in utter embarrassment but he can’t look away, and Magnus’s smirk softens.

“I can,” Magnus confirms, and drags his eyes away towards Max, not commenting on Alec’s behavior and for that, Alec is extremely grateful.

Magnus snaps his fingers again, and with another blue spark, summons what looks to be a small make-up bag into his hand. Max actually _gasps_ when it appears out of thin air. Alec glances over towards Max at the sound and finds comically wide eyes with an equally comical slack-jawed expression, and Alec can’t for the life of him understand how _this_ is on the same level as Magnus’s visual storytelling. Alec rolls his eyes at his brother in fond exasperation.

“Max. Really?” Alec asks with a grin. Max is so weird sometimes.

“I can’t teleport things inside of the Institute, Alexander, you know that,” Magnus defends, sounding entirely too innocent. "So, obviously, it hasn't come up before."

Alec doesn’t know why but he’s _positive_ that Magnus is smirking. Alec returns his gaze towards Magnus, indeed finding that very same smirk, and Alec arches an eyebrow at Magnus as he watches him sit down on a free chair.

“Somehow I doubt that,” Alec deadpans, just to be difficult. Magnus pauses in the middle of crossing his legs at Alec’s words before his eyes light up in realization.

“Alexander, are you _sassing_ me?” Magnus wonders aloud, and dammit if Magnus sounds delighted and so incredibly _pleased_ , that just like that, the tips of Alec’s ears are burning up again.

“No.” Alec keeps his expression carefully neutral but if possible, Magnus looks even _more_ delighted, and Alec can’t help but roll his eyes away from him at that. Thankfully, Alec is able to tamp down the smile that’s threatening to break free with only a slight twitch of his lips.

“Don’t let my brother's sour face fool you, Magnus. It’s his natural state of being,” Izzy supplies unhelpfully, and Alec notices Max bobbing his head in agreement from his peripheral. Alec has to resist the sudden childish urge to groan aloud at his siblings’ utter ridiculousness.

Jace clears his throat uncomfortably, and Alec remembers with a jolt that it’s not just the three of them anymore.

The urge to smile is gone.

“Hey,” Jace says, and then there’s a rough clasp at the place where Alec’s shoulder meets his neck. Alec looks up to see Jace, a strained smirk on his face. “It’s good to see that you’re done lurking around god-knows-where.”

But Alec sees the concern for what it is and nods at his _parabatai_ that he's fine. Instantly, Jace relaxes and grins down at him.

Alec is acutely aware that Jace isn't looking away or letting go of him yet, and like all the times before, it makes Alec feel warm inside but it’s…different. Not different from how Alec normally feels when Jace is around or looking at him, but Alec can recognize now that it’s entirely different from how he feels around Magnus. With Jace it’s more…toned down, perhaps? No, not that. It’s just _different_ , and Alec doesn’t know how that makes any real sense but it’s true. That thought in of itself is…strange to Alec. Confusing, even.

Alec feels warm around Jace but not  _warm_ like he does when he's around Magnus.

Alec doesn’t know what to make of that.

“So how’s Simon?” Izzy asks, pulling Alec back to the present and look over at her. Max visibly perks up at the name.

“Magnus’s boyfriend?”

Magnus grits out a soft curse and when Alec glances back at Jace, he finds him and Clary both looking equally confused. Alec snorts at Magnus’s theatrics (he’s currently grumbling about how his eyeliner isn’t even anymore and now needs to start all over) and no, hearing Simon be called Magnus’s boyfriend yet _again_ isn’t getting any less weirder.

“Yes, Max! Magnus’s boyfriend,” Izzy says, and shoots both Clary and Jace a _look_ that the two (thankfully) quickly catch up on.

“Y-Yeah, um, h-he’s doing okay—” Clary replies, but at Max’s expression, she hastily adds. “I mean, great! S-Simon’s _great_. He says to tell everyone hi and um…w-will see us around.”

Alec somehow _highly_ doubts that any of that is true, but he holds his tongue. Perhaps it’s because Alec almost lost Izzy so recently, he isn’t sure, but in that moment Alec feels a pang of pity for Clary. She’s obviously taking his death hard, and even if Simon is a Downworlder now and walking around, well...Alec can still relate regardless. Alec briefly glances to check in on Izzy and sees her shoot Clary a sympathetic smile, and with that Alec turns fully to address Max. This isn't a conversation that Max should be around for.

Jace’s hand slides off Alec's shoulder then and Alec distantly thinks how he doesn’t miss the warmth before he mentally shakes the thought off.

“Max, why don’t you—?”

“ _There_ you are!” Alec instinctually rises up from the bed to stand at its end in full attention before he silently berates himself for it. Even now, Alec still can't shake off some of the automatic responses his body does at _that_ tone because oh, look. It's their mother. Who is now walking right towards them like she’s a woman on a mission. Dammit, why does Alec continue to be surprised that they got caught _again_? “Maxwell Joseph Lightwood—” Or maybe not? “I told you that you needed to continue rune studies after a _short_ break. It’s been an _hour and a half_.”

Max groans dramatically.

“But _mom_ —”

“Entirely my fault, I’m afraid,” Magnus interjects smoothly, taking the blame away from Max and onto himself. “We were just—”

“Magnus was telling us about his boyfriend, Simon!” Max says in a rush, trying to help. Izzy had already heavily hinted after Rapunzel that it would be ' _amazing_ 'if Max didn’t mention anything to their mother because ' _Max, you_ know  _how our mom gets sometimes_ ' and ' _wouldn't it just be a_ shame _if Magnus couldn't perform any more tricks for us?_ '

Predictably, Max had eaten it right up and wholeheartedly agreed (a little too enthusiastically in Alec's opinion, but Alec just chalked that up to being in on the secret).

Their mother’s expression becomes unreadable at Max’s words and Alec’s blood goes cold.

“I…see.” Alec feels so small in that moment, unable to look away from the expression of barely contained distaste that lines his mother’s features. It’s apparent, the way his mother’s eyes narrow and regard Magnus, _exactly_ what she’s thinking as she takes in his appearance. “Why does that not surprise me.” It's not a question, and she’s looking at Magnus like he’s some kind of _disease_ , and Alec knows it shouldn’t matter to him now what his mother thinks, but there’s still a part of him that didn’t think it was possible to feel even _more_ betrayed by her. 

It feels like a huge slap to the face.

“Wait, what’s _that_ suppose to mean?”

Alec is at a loss of words because that’s _Jace_ who’s speaking up in such outrage, and even if he’s doing it unknowingly, the fact that he’s come to Alec’s defense as well as Magnus’s, warms something inside of Alec again. Their mother also looks shocked by his outburst but quickly composes herself.

“Nothing. Max, rune studies, _now_.” Alec watches Max look reluctant as he complies, pulling away from under Izzy’s arm, and their mother turns her attention back towards Magnus. “As for you, your services here appear to be done, warlock.Your payment will be delivered in the usual way." His mother doesn't seem able to help herself to one last judging sweep of Magnus with her eyes. "You can let yourself out.”

Suddenly, Alec is so angry, so _entirely fed up with her_ and Alec angles his body to face her head-on with his back towards Magnus, crossing his arms across his chest to take on a challenging stance in response to that anger. How can his mother still treat Magnus like that? Like he’s lesser than her? Magnus _saved_ Izzy, does that honestly mean nothing to her?

However Alec doesn’t have time to say anything because Max surprises them all and jumps right off the bed with a shout, launching himself at Magnus as soon as he’s free. Alec turns, feeling only a moment of panic before Magnus catches Max under the arms and swings them both around full circle in one fluid motion. When Magnus sets Max back down onto his feet, Max takes the opportunity to attach himself to Magnus’s legs. Alec’s heart melts as he watches Max prop his chin on Magnus’s stomach in order to look up at him.

“You’ll come back and visit us, okay?” Max asks, and Alec can’t help but smile at how hopeful he sounds.

“I’m sure we’ll see each other again soon enough,” Magnus answers in a way that’s sure to appease Max without angering their mother too much. Magnus fondly ruffles Max’s hair and Max seems to accept both without complaint.

“ _Max_.”

Max groans at their mother again but before he can completely pull away, Magnus brings up a finger and lightly taps his own lips, as if in silent contemplation, and Max freezes as if entranced. Magnus’s expression hasn’t changed, but Alec swears his eyes are smiling as he brings those same fingers right behind Max’s ear and with a snap, brings them back in front to present him with something. Alec can’t see what it is from where he’s standing, but Magnus winks at Max. His brother must’ve taken whatever was in Magnus’s hand, if Magnus’s answering grin is anything to go by.

“ _Maxwell_.”

Their mother’s voice sounds rather strained and like the spell has been broken, Max bursts into action.

“I’m going! I’m going!” Max yells, darting past them and rushing out the infirmary without a backwards glance, clutching whatever treasure he has close to his chest and refusing to stop for anyone. He doesn’t stop running even as their mother calls out after him in barely controlled panic before following him out the doors.

“ _Nice_ ,” Izzy says. The smirk is evident in her voice but Alec only finds himself curious.

“What’d you give him?” Alec asks, continuing to watch the open doors despite the two having long gone.

“Just a Kiss,” Magnus replies. Alec furrows his brow in confusion.

“A ‘Kiss’?” Alec asks. What in the Angel is that?

“Oh, don’t you worry about _that_ ,” Magnus replies, and dammit, he sounds _way_ too innocent. This can’t be good. “No need to be jealous. He’s not _quite_ the Lightwood I have in mind.”

Izzy and even _Clary_ burst out into a fit of giggleswhile Alec keeps his expression carefully blank. Alec is pretty sure that his ears are never going to be cold again at this rate.

“It’s chocolate,” Clary explains once she catches her breath, and as childish as it is, Alec decides to turn and keep his gaze solely on _her_ and pointedly ignore Magnus. Clary leans to the side to look past Alec briefly. “Y’know, Magnus, I _did_ kinda wonder why you were so adamant about us bringing those.”

“ _All_ children love chocolate,” Magnus states, like it’s obvious and there shouldn’t _be_ any other reason for him to give Max candy. It’s really hard for Alec not to smile at that.

“Anyway…,” Clary says, her expression turning serious. “What your mom said was really uncool. I can’t believe she said all that.” And Alec’s heart stops because dammit if she isn’t looking _right at Alec_ and Jace is standing right there besides her, looking at him now too, and Alec doesn’t know what to do and  _FUCK_.

“Clary—” It’s Izzy who tries to intervene, her voice unable to completely hide her alarm, and Alec can’t let this happen in front of Jace, he _won’t_ , and will Clary just—

“Shut up.” Alec’s words come out slowly, like they’re being dragged out of him by force, and Alec is distantly aware of how threatening he sounds but he can’t find it in himself to care. There's a continually tightening curl of tension that's winding itself up inside of Alec that refuses to let up. Alec can _feel_ everyone’s eyes on him, can see Clary and Jace’s shocked faces, and Alec can hardly breathe. His shoulders won’t stop trembling in a failed effort to keep himself in control, to not bolt like his body so desperately wants to because then Jace would _know_. Alec feels so trapped, so cornered with no feasible way to get out, and Alec can’t fucking _stand_ this. Jace is going to _know_ and Alec  _can't_  see Jace being disgusted at him too and Alec just wants everything to stop and  _breathe_. “Just shut up. You don’t know _anything_.”

Clary’s shock instantly gives way to anger.

“How can you say that? How can you even defend her? _You,_ of—”

“SHUT _UP_!” Alec roars, and Clary  _flinches_ , taking a step back from the sheer volume. But Alec barely has time to register what that means because suddenly Jace, his _parabatai_ , is shielding her away, protecting her from _Alec_ with his entire body like Alec is a threat that Jace needs to deal with, and that _hurts._

“Alec, what is _wrong_ with—?”

“ _Alexander_.”

A firm pressure places itself between Alec’s shoulder blades, easing the curl of tension inside of him, and just like that it's easier for Alec to breathe _._ Alec slowly blinks back into himself and looks besides him in a daze to see Magnus looking right back. Despite the tension having eased up, Alec still feels like he's only holding on by a thread, but there’s a calmness in that gaze, an utter lack of judgment and there’s even _understanding_ there, and Alec can’t bring himself to look away. Alec finds himself slowly relaxing into Magnus’s touch, even starting to curl back into it, until—

Jace is there in Alec's space and roughly pushes Magnus away from Alec, with a shove to the shoulder so violent that it leaves _Alec_ staggering.

Any semblance of calmness that Alec felt moments before, _shatters_.

“Hey, back off, _warlock_.” Jace spits out ‘warlock’ like it’s a _disease_. A flash of his mother's distasteful expression crosses Alec's mind unbidden and Alec sees red. “This is between us.”

Alec doesn’t think and lunges himself right at Jace.

“ _Alec_!”

“Jace!”

Alec lands on top of Jace and his back slams into the ground.

Nothing else matters to Alec now but the two of them.

Jace only lets out a small ‘ _oomph_ ’ at the force of the impact before he’s already striking back and switching their positions. They blur into one another after that, trying to get the upper hand over the other as they grapple on the floor, moving around in such a wild flurry of limbs that would be almost too fast for mundane eyes.

Alec isn’t entirely sure how exactly it happens, but suddenly he’s trapped underneath Jace. His _parabatai_ has a leg thrown over the closest one of Alec’s to him, using a forearm to press down hard across Alec’s chest and upper bicep, simultaneously keeping him in place and making it difficult for Alec to use that arm properly. He's only able to strike at Jace's upper arm which doesn't budge, no matter how hard Alec tries hitting it from such an awkward angle. All the while Jace holds down Alec's other bicep with his free hand, presenting Alec with a similar problem. 

No matter how hard Alec tries to get a good punch in, or to grab ahold of him and forcibly yank him away, or to move his free leg better for leverage and to try and buck Jace off, Jace’s position doesn’t give Alec any proper footing. The way Jace constantly shifts his own weight in order to accommodate and prevent Alec from succeeding, easily predicting each and _every one_ of Alec's attacks is really starting to  _piss Alec the FUCK off._

A frustrated snarl rips itself out of Alec’s throat as he thrashes his body now with uncoordinated movements again and again, at this point just desperate to get him _off_ , but Jace holds him down with a firm grip and refuses to let go of him. 

Jace continues to hold onto Alec, even as Alec thrashes himself into exhaustion and all the fight, the fear and the hurt, the anger, the feeling of utter  _betrayal_...itall bleeds out of Alec, leaving only a freeing sort of emptiness, and Alec slumps back against the ground in a boneless heap. Alec lets his head roll back and rest on the floor before closing his eyes and taking in large, greedy gulps of air into his lungs, feeling the effects of the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

The pressure of Jace’s forearm loosens on Alec’s chest.

“Hey…,” Jace mutters, breathing just as harshly as Alec, and Alec reluctantly opens his eyes only to be struck with their position and how _close_ their faces are. Jace seems blissfully unaware of this and removes his hand from Alec’s shoulder so that he can clasp Alec by the side of the neck, and Alec can’t _think_ straight. “Feel better now?”

Alec’s throat becomes too dry and it’s hard to swallow properly because Jace is _there_ : barely a foot away, and Alec feels warm again. Without his permission, Alec’s eyes slide down towards Jace’s lips and just…how many times has Alec thought about being close to Jace like this? When Alec was too weak to resist the temptation and let his mind wander for just a moment? Alec never got past the point where they got to the actual kissing part, but—

“Do it.”

The words are whispered so softly that Alec almost misses it but he doesn’t (he _can’t_ ), and his eyes snap back up to stare at Jace with widening eyes, trying to make out his expression because no, Alec couldn’t of heard that right, Jace didn’t—

“ _Do it,_ ” Jace hisses with a hard shove into Alec's chest (egging him on;  _daring_ him), and Alec still can’t figure out what that expression on Jace’s face is (doesn’t know if he wants to), but Jace is keeping direct eye contact with him and by the Angel, it looks like _permission_ and that doesn’t make _sense_ but he’s so close that Alec finally lets himself imagine what it’d be like to kiss Jace then, to press his lips to his and just…

No.

Alec blinks rapidly when he realizes that…no. No, he doesn’t want to kiss Jace. Wait, why doesn't he want to kiss Jace? Even the _memory demon_ revealed that Jace was the one who Alec loved the most, this—

This doesn't make any sense. 

Alec doesn’t know what to do with this new revelation. At all. But Alec can’t deny the full-body shudder at the idea of simply kissing Jace and Alec is _so_ confused. It’s not Alec’s proudest moment (later on he’ll be the first to admit that much, at least to himself), but Alec feels trapped again and not just because Jace is still on top of him, and it’s getting hard to breathe _again_ and Jace’s grip on him is loose enough now that Alec does the only action available to him and uses a free hand so that he can grab Jace by the back of his neck and _pull_.

And that’s how Alec Lightwood head-butt Jace Wayland so hard in the nose that he broke it.


	3. Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m currently planning a sequel but there’s no way it’s going to be finished and posted before the season finale of Shadowhunters because I need a small break from writing anything too major. But still, if there are certain questions in this story that feel unanswered to you guys, then that’s why.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy the final part of this story and thank you again for taking the time to read it. Oh, and for all the lovely comments and kudos and bookmarks, of course! Those are always appreciated.
> 
> xx

“O-Oh god. You mean…Alec didn’t think Jace _knew_? Oh, god _,_ Alec, I…I-I _swear_ , I didn’t know. I-I thought Jace at least—…Alec, god, I’m so _so_ sorry!”

“Jace. What the _fuck_ were you thinking?”

Alec feels like his head is being kept submerged underwater: there’s a deep pressure surrounding his skull from the inside out and Alec can’t _hear_. He can hear the words themselves just fine, but it’s like they’re lost in translation and for the life of him, Alec can’t understand them. It’s all gibberish to him. 

The two voices are too _loud_ though, if the brutal throbbing against the inside of his skull with each shrill word is anything to go by. Alec isn’t sure if the voices are talking to him, but they both sound rather urgent in their own ways. One is being particularly annoying and so very _guilty_ sounding to Alec, while the other barely hides a cold fury that promises a retribution.

Since Alec can’t understand the words to give them any meaning, Alec is _very_ confused. But maybe Alec got it all wrong to being with. Who knows. Certainly not Alec. Honestly, it’s kind of hard for Alec to try and process much past the throbbing in his skull, especially since the voices are _still_ going on about something. That’s when Alec mentally clocks out and tries to ignore the words (especially that annoying one) because with this damn constant throbbing that’s still pounding against the inside of Alec’s skull, Alec just wants those two voices to _shut up_.

Maybe that’s why Alec focuses on Jace with such a startling clarity, even through the fog of his mind. His _parabatai_ is on the floor only a few feet away, throwing Alec this huge, bloody and _proud_ grin, despite the obvious pain etched in his features. The grin is so wide that it’s visible to Alec even though Jace is keeping his head slightly tipped forward to let the blood drain out his nose.

Even now, Alec _swears_ he can hear Jace’s past words, almost on a loop. Words that Jace actually said to Alec with a _laugh_ , of all things, almost immediately after cursing in pain from getting his nose broken.

_Glad to see you finally caught on. It isn’t_ me _you actually want. Idiot._

Alec stares at Jace because even through the fog it’s so obvious to Alec that Jace knew— _knows_ about Alec’s feelings for him _._ Apparently knew all along. And yet Jace still accepts Alec despite that. Or rather, Alec realizes in something resembling awe, Jace knows that Alec is gay and attracted to _men._

Just…apparently, not Jace.

Alec has never felt more lost and yet so utterly free than he does in that moment.

There’s multiple, gentle points of pressure then, grazing alongside Alec’s forehead. A soft murmur comes from somewhere besides Alec’s ear that, despite the sharp throb that it initially inspires even at such a soft volume, isn’t nearly as painful as the other two voices. Alec’s eyes flutter at the comforting touch because it’s so _warm_. There’s a feeling of _heat_ slowly (almost tenderly) spreading along Alec’s forehead, caressing Alec’s pain. Alec breaks the connection with Jace so that he can close his eyes and lean into the touch. The _warmth_ is along Alec’s cheek now, and Alec lets out a small sigh of contentment. 

That same _heat_ finally soothes away all the pain, and then just like that, the painful throbbing in Alec’s skull has disappeared. Although the fog continues to hang heavily over Alec’s mind.

The _warmth_ slides down along Alec’s cheek until only two small points of contact remain, resting along the side of Alec’s chin and gently urging him to move his head along with them.

Alec opens his eyes in a daze only to look directly into charcoal-lined brown eyes.

“Alexander?”

Alec blinks back into himself with a jolt, because the next thing Alec knows, he’s sitting at the edge of the desk in his room, leaning back against it with both his arms resting between his thighs with his legs spread apart for balance. When Alec looks down on the desk besides him, there’s (for some odd reason) a bowl filled with red-tinted water and a rag sitting inside it.

Actually, Alec’s chest feels quite cold now that he thinks about it, and when Alec looks down curiously to find that not only does he not have a shirt on anymore, but when he touches a hand to his chest it comes back strangely damp (and when Alec looks down even further, he wonders when exactly he put sweatpants on). 

Huh. Weird.

“ _Alexander._ Did you hear what I said?”

Alec tilts his head up to find Magnus in the doorway leading to Alec’s closet. Both of Magnus’s shirts’ sleeves are rolled up to his elbows with his jacket from before nowhere in sight. His boots and gloves are gone too, and Alec glances down to see bright, neon pink socks (Alec snorts a giggle at that because those are definitely rainbow _cats_ on them and they’re _ridiculous_ ). Magnus is carrying in his hands what looks to be a small, neat bundle of clothes, and Magnus frowns as he regards Alec with a certain sharp level of interest, a _something_ , that Alec can’t quite figure out right now.

But Magnus doesn’t look…happy. Or something like that. Whatever it is, Alec doesn’t get what’s going on for Magnus to look at him like that, and not knowing what his expression is, is kind of frustrating.

Alec rapidly blinks again to help try and clear the persistent fog that’s still settled itself around his mind because Magnus just asked Alec a question, right? It’s hard for Alec to concentrate through the haze but he tries his best.

“I-I’m, uh…sorry. What?”

Alec’s words sound slow and slurred even to himself, but no matter how hard Alec tries to keep his words clear and concise, they refuse to cooperate with him.

Magnus stares at Alec for such a long enough moment that Alec starts to fidget where he sits, shifting his weight from one leg to the other and fiddling with the strings of his sweats to give his hands something to do. However Alec isn’t able to bring himself to look away from Magnus either.

By the Angel, Magnus is so _pretty_.

“Alexander, do you…remember what I just asked you?”

Alec frowns at such a random question.

“No…?” Alec says, reflecting Magnus’s tone back at him and making Alec’s answer sound more like a question. “You didn’t, um… _ask_ anything.”

Then Alec glances around his room with a lazy sort of roll of his head, looking around at the familiarity, the neat order of everything exactly as Alec last left it and the _safety_ of being tucked back away in this place, that Alec almost misses the flash of _something_ that crosses Magnus’s features again.

Alec is vaguely aware that he still hasn’t figure out what that _something_ is.

“Why’re we… _here_? Where’d everybody, uh…go?” Alec asks instead, because that’s a more important question that Alec needs to be answered. Then a sudden thought occurs to Alec which is now _way_ more important and Alec looks down to squint at Magnus’s socks. “Why’re those cats… _r-rainbow-colored_. C-Cats don’t come in, uh…rainbow-colored.”

Alec doesn’t know how it happens but he startles rather violently when suddenly Magnus appears in front of him out seemingly nowhere, standing close from between Alec’s legs, but not enough that he’s actually touching him (huh, with Alec leaning back against his desk, they’re both apparently at eye-level now). 

Magnus sets the bundle of clothes on the desk besides Alec, right next to the bowl, and then pauses to gaze at Alec’s expression. His eyes quickly catalogue Alec’s features and then with a slowness that Alec doesn’t understand, Magnus brings up both hands, his palms facing towards Alec as if in surrender. Alec can clearly see where they are the entire time when slowly, Magnus brings them towards Alec's face. Right when they’re about to touch Alec though, Magnus pauses one more time, looking at Alec for, what, Alec isn’t sure, before Magnus gently cradles Alec’s jaw. The touch is so _warm_ and Alec’s eyes flutter shut at the somehow familiar sensation, instinctually leaning into the warmth.

“You _would_ get a concussion from head-butting that moronic Wayland boy’s thick skull with _him_ only being left with a broken nose…,” Magnus mutters. Magnus’s voice sounds calm to Alec, almost melodic in the lazy way his words roll off his tongue. It also doesn’t _sound_ like Magnus is talking to Alec, so Alec lets Magnus’s words wash over him without trying to truly understand them. 

Alec feels _heat_ wrapping itself around a specific part inside of his skull and the fog gradually disappears more and more the longer it lingers there, and Alec is distantly aware that Magnus is continuing to mutter to himself in that same, calm tone. 

“The brain: such a complicated, _tricky_ thing. _Not_ something I’m too keen on messing around with if I can help it. With all the excitement that’s happened, I assumed you were simply in a state of shock—” 

There’s a harsh sigh from Magnusat that, sounding completely at odds with the calm for a brief moment. 

“Rather obviousnow. Mild memory loss, for one. Slurred speech, confusion, headaches, and…well, who-knows-what-else. Healing was always _Catarina’s_ area of expertise. Not mine. At least my skills aren't as disastrous as that time I tried to learn the charango. Alexander, I know you were quite… _adamant_ before that I heal that daft, insensitive, _idiot’s_ nose, but apparently you’re concussed so maybe, if we’re lucky, Isabelle will be so kind as to break it again for me. Your sister certainly seemed livid enou—”

Then the fog is lifted and Alec’s eyes snap open. Magnus abruptly stops talking and waits in silence, his hands still cradling Alec’s face and watching Alec almost curiously now as everything hits Alec all at once. Alec is hardly aware of their current position though as he blinks slowly, staring back at Magnus and processing just what exactly happened with a clearer state of mind.

Alec remembers…Clary. And how she almost gave Alec away to Jace. Her self-righteous anger and Jace coming to her defense (because when _hasn't_ he?), protecting her from Alec like Alec would’ve actually _hurt_ Clary _._ Then the fight Alec and his _parabatai_ ended up having because Jace had actually _shoved_ at Magnus, and all Alec could hear when Jace spat out the word ‘warlock’ was that Jace thought _Alec_ was a disease too _,_ just like Alec's mother would if she knew the truth, and that made Alec feel so damn _broken_. So angry and hurt. Then the revelation that Alec didn’t _want_ to kiss Jace _,_ the utter confusion that inspired, and wait—

“Jace…knows?” Alec mumbles to himself with a frown. Jace’s words and proud grin come back to Alec again with that same startling clarity. But what did Jace _mean_ that Alec finally caught on and that _Jace_ wasn’t the one that Alec actually wan—?

Then Alec is barking out a laugh that’s way too loud and Alec. Can’t. Stop. _Laughing_.

It’s like a dam has been broken inside of Alec because the relief is overwhelming in its intensity. Alec’s shoulders are shaking uncontrollably in his laughter, and for the first time since Alec can remember, he lets the tears fall freely this time, letting them stream down his face because Alec is here, in his room, his haven, away from prying eyes with only _Magnus_ here to witness it, and Magnus will never judge Alec for being so weak, so vulnerable, and Alec is _safe here_. So despite Alec’s laughter sounding hysterical even to himself, Alec can’t find it in himself to care because Jace is a _damned bastard_ and he _knew_!

Alec barely catches Magnus’s expression (Magnus’s eyes only widen a fraction, but on Magnus it looks like he believes Alec has finally lost it, and honestly, Alec wonders if maybe he has) before Alec is doubling over, almost wheezing in a failed attempt to catch his breath, and clutching around his middle with both arms because Alec’s lungs are seriously starting to hurt now. 

Thankfully, Alec doesn’t completely topple over and fall off his desk because suddenly Magnus is _there_ , wrapping his arms around Alec’s shoulders to help steady him (to _ground_ him), and Alec smashes his face into the crook of Magnus’s neck.

“T-That damn _a-asshole_ ,” Alec chokes out before falling back into another fit of laughter, because _of course_ Jace would push him to the very edge like that. Of _course_ Jace would know all about Alec’s secret that he so desperately tried to hide from his _parabatai_ , because in some ways, Jace knows Alec better than Alec knows himself. If Alec wasn’t so caught up in his own head and refused to think about any of it, then it would’ve been obvious, wouldn’t it? But _of_ _course_ Jace decided Alec was taking way too long to his liking and took matters into his own hands by proving a point to Alec in the absolute _worse way possible_. Simultaneously being that much of an ass because it’s _Jace_ (really,Alec figures it has to be some kind of ‘gift’ unique only to Jace, because who actually dares someone to kiss them in order to prove to them a _point_ , of all things?). Doing something so utterly absurd to show Alec that Jace wholeheartedly accepts and supports him, in the only way Jace felt that would guarantee Alec actually believing him.

First Izzy, then Max, and now Jace _…_ It’s like most of what’s been weighing down on Alec’s shoulders has been lifted, and despite the anguish of knowing that his mother will never approve of him (and Alec doesn’t even want to _think_ about what that means in terms of his father), at least his siblings and Jace, his _parabatai_ , aren’t disgusted with him and never will be. Not about this: not about who Alec is.

There’s a freeness in this knowledge, a strange absurdity to the entire situation, and Alec feels _way_ too much fondness for his _parabatai_ being such an asshole (especially with all the shit he’s put, and continues to put, Alec through lately because of Clary _fucking_ Fray), and Alec feels so damn  _good_ right now.

Alec’s laughter finally dies down, dissolving into weird little gasps for air. His cheeks are surprisingly dry (which Alec can probably thank Magnus’s shirt for that), and suddenly Alec feels completely drained of all energy as the past twenty-four hours finally catch up with him. First the breach and Izzy almost dying (in the _Institute_ , of all places), and now today with so many new revelations and thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions, and it’s just been a…very long day for Alec. 

Alec sighs, releasing his arms from his stomach and letting them drop between his legs again, although he stubbornly keeps his face hidden in the crook of Magnus’s neck. He just can’t bring himself to move because the position is comfortable, okay? Damn…Alec wants to fall asleep right here and now, where it’s _warm_ , for the rest of the week and do nothing else. Alec thinks that if anything, he’s earned that much.

Maybe that’s why it takes Alec such an embarrassing amount of time to realize that Magnus is _talking_ to him. Or rather, Magnus seems to be talking _at_ Alec. That, and while Magnus still has an arm wrapped around Alec’s shoulder, at one point Magnus must’ve slipped his other hand into Alec’s hair without Alec noticing, because his fingers are tangled through the strands and he’s dragging his nails along Alec’s scalp (in what Alec assumes is suppose to be a soothing gesture) and by the Angel, that feels _really_ good. There's a lingering _heat_ in Alec's skull and Alec can’t help the quiet groan of pleasure that escapes when he finallytunes in to what Magnus is saying.

“—appears to be nothing else wrong, so there can only be one explanation,” Magnus mutters, his tone sounding entirely long-suffering. Magnus sounds calm enough to Alec, in fact Magnus’s words flow together rather fluidly, but Magnus’s fingers are pulling at Alec’s hair. Small, discernible tugs, like Magnus’s fingers are twitching. “The Wayland boy’s skull actually broke you.” 

Alec rapidly blinks at that because wait. _What_? 

“And after you just started sassing me too…” 

Is Magnus actually…?

“You know what? No. I’m actually not at all surprised—” 

Alec’s eyebrows shoot up in realization because, yes, that’s the High Warlock of Brooklyn (however calm sounding)  _rambling._

“Because truly, that boy should be dissected and studied simply due to that utterly thick head of his.”

It takes a great deal of effort from Alec not to snort.

“Just think. If we hand him over to the Spiral Labyrinth for research, we could learn _so_ much about the world’s idiots. Think of all the good it could accomplish. I know he’s your…—”

Magnus pauses there, his fingers tugging in Alec’s hair. Almost like Magnus wants to gesture with a wave of his hand but doesn’t want to let go of Alec either,and Alec can’t help but smile, glad that it’s hidden away in Magnus’s neck because this new side of Magnus is just…well, kind of _adorable_ , if Alec is being completely honest (and dammit, but Alec can’t believe he’s actually _thinking_ of such a childish word but it’s true).

“— _parabatai_ and all that. But, it’d be for a worthy cause. Or at least give you some peace of mind. Honestly? Both are rather positive points to consider—”

Alec lifts an arm to place a hand on Magnus’s hip and gives it a firm squeeze.

“ _Magnus,_ ” Alec says, putting as much emphasis on Magnus’s name as he can, because as adorable as this all is (and Alec _still_ can’t believe he’s even _thinking_ that word again), it’s gotten to the point where it feels almost downright cruel to let Magnus continue on like this. “It’s okay. I’m fine.”

Alec feels another small tug from Magnus’s fingers and Alec has the sudden urge to get a better look to see Magnus’s expression.

Magnus doesn’t object when Alec pulls back a bit, keeping a loose hold on Alec. Even Magnus’s fingers continue to be tangled in Alec’s hair, gently tugging at the roots (and Alec _shivers_ at the sensation because they give a more firm tug at the movement but Alec refuses to let that distract him right now). Alec lifts his head just enough so that he can see Magnus's expression better but Alec freezes and his breath gets caught in his throat because by the Angel, their faces are so _close_ and Alec has to fight using everything he has not to lean in.

“I-I’m _fine_ ,” Alec repeats with a gulp, and Alec _really_ hopes that his voice doesn’t sound as strangled as it feels.

Magnus doesn’t seem to notice, or look convinced for that matter, but he gives Alec a rather self-deprecating smirk and it’s… _off_.

“I… _did_ run off a bitthere, didn’t I?” Magnus asks, and Magnus’s tone sounds untroubled enough, but to Alec, it still feels ‘off’. Wrong. Like Magnus is trying keep Alec from figuring something out, but Alec doesn’t understand what Magnus would want to exactly hide from him. “Sorry about that. Doesn’t happen often, I assure you.”

Then there’s a flash of _something_ crossing Magnus’s features before it’s gone just as quickly, and without the fog clouding his mind, Alec realizes that it’s a genuine look of _concern._ One that’s so vulnerable in its sincerity and it was directed at _Alec_ , and Alec is struck with how much Magnus _cares_. About Alec, of all people, and something about that makes Alec’s eyes flit downwards to Magnus’s lips and Alec can’t look away because he really wants to lean in and kiss Magnus right now.

“Well, then,” Magnus says, his voice sounding oddly strained. Alec gets sidetracked when Magnus begins to pull himself away, his hold loosening on Alec to slide both hands to grip onto Alec’s shoulders, almost as if he’s thinking about pushing himself back. But Alec instinctually keeps his grip on Magnus’s hip firm in response, keeping him close. Alec starts at the unbidden reaction and looks back up at Magnus in worry in time to catch another flash of concern before Magnus seems to compose himself and continues on in a casual manner, the smirk on his face sitting a little too stiffly. “Since you’re obviously doing so…’fine’, then we should both head over to see Isabelle. Your sister's awfully worried about you, you know, and I _did_ promise her we’d stop by once you’re ready. And as much as I’d like to keep this _lovely_ view here all to myself…” 

Magnus gives Alec’s bare chest a once-over and the tips of Alec’s ears are burning at such a blatant display of appreciation. 

“Isabelle is _quite_ eager to see you again, so we really shouldn’t keep her waiting long. I’m sure she’s done yelling at the Wayland boy by now.” 

Alec licks at his dry lips before he responds, wanting to ask Magnus why he’s acting so weird all of a sudden and if he’s okay, when Magnus’s gaze snaps down at the movement. But just as quickly Magnus’s eyes snap back up to meet Alec’s eyes again and wait, does that mean Magnus wouldn’t mind kissing Alec too? Alec can’t be reading that wrong, right?

And just like that, Alec _really_ wants to kiss Magnus again.

“But, why don’t I go check first to be sure. You can—” 

Magus removes a hand from Alec’s shoulder to gesture almost wildly at Alec’s chest but Magnus’s eyes linger on Alec’s chest for a _bit_  longer than usual, and Alec feels himself starting to get a little irritated (because yes, Alec still really wants to kiss Magnus, okay, and Magnus is _definitely_ interested and this is getting beyond ridiculous. If they both want to kiss then what’s the problem here?).

“Get dressed in the meantime. If you’re so inclined to, of course. _I_ certainly don’t mind either way. Although, I don’t think Isabelle would agree with me. More’s the pity. I’ll just leave you to it then and—”

“Magnus, just kiss me.”

There it is again, that flash of concern before everything about Magnus _freezes_ , his hand is even frozen in some grand gesture mid-wave, and despite how Alec is sure his face is relatively neutral, Alec can’t help the way his eyes widen a fraction in absolute horror because dammit, that may’ve been what Alec was thinking but he wasn’t supposed to admit that _out loud_! But Alec couldn’t help but blurt it out as soon as it crossed his mind because Magnus _obviously_ wants to kiss Alec too, and Alec doesn’t get what the problem is and t-that all just sounded _way_ too much like a demand there, but just…Alec isn’t even sure where that sudden surge of boldness came from but Alec rolls with it.

Besides, it’s kind of too late for Alec to take it back now.

Alec mentally steels himself and waits, refusing to look away from Magnus despite wanting nothing more.

Magnus still hasn’t moved, doesn’t _blink_ for a long moment, then—

“I’m…sorry, Alexander, but I think my mind wandered there for a moment,” Magnus says, and Alec doesn’t know if he believes that because it sounds like Magnus _now_ isn’t quite all the way present. “Can you kindly repeat that for me?”

Alec swallows down the huge lump in his throat, nervously licking at his lips again to wet them before responding. It doesn’t escape Alec’s notice when Magnus’s eyes flit back down and zero in at the movement.

“ _Magnus_ ,” Alec says and Magnus still hasn’t looked away from Alec’s lips and that simple fact makes Alec bolder than he thought possible. “J-Just… _kiss_ me.” It makes it easier to get the words past the lump in his throat when Alec’s _positive_ that he’s not about to get rejected.

Which is why Magnus’s actual response, when Magnus finally comes back to himself with a jerk of his head, leaves Alec reeling as much as it does.

“No. No can do. Not happening,” Magnus says in a rush, and Alec _flinches_ because he…he really hadn’t expected such a vehement response to simply _kissing him_ and fuck, that rejection  _hurts_. Hurts in a way Alec doesn’t know how to begin dealing with, here, in his room where Alec is suppose to be _safe, dammit._ So Alec does the only thing he can and hastily tries to save face, schooling his expression to something (hopefully) blank and drops his hand away from Magnus to add some distance between them.

Magnus bursts into action then and tightens his hold on Alec’s shoulders, continuing to talk with a forced lightness that’s at complete odds with how tight his grip is.

“ _Don’t_ take this the wrong way, Alexander—” 

Alec can’t help but raise an eyebrow at that because how _should_ he take this then? 

“I hope you’ll forgive me for being so terribly rude, you simply…caught me off guard is all. I didn’t realize you could be so straightforward,” Magnus explains, and Magnus’s tone is sincere enough that although Alec’s expression is still at whatever he managed to school it into, Alec finds his body relaxing at that. Although Alec remains wary as Magnus continues. 

“As much as I'd _very_ much like to kiss you, I just don’t think that  _now_ is the best time. As desirable as I may be, you’ve had a rather… _eventful_ day— _days,_ if you can even call it that. There’s a lot for you to process, I’m sure—”

Magnus’s expression turns serious, that same look of concern making a reappearance. 

“And I won’t take advantage of that.” 

Then it’s gone and Magnus’s whole demeanor perks up, his tone light again. “So, another time. _G_ _ladly_ , in fact. For now though, I think it’d actually be better for you to get some rest before heading over. Isabelle will understand. You and I will have plenty of time later to—”

“So you _do_ want to? K-Kiss me, that is,” Alec clarifies, wondering if he’s understanding Magnus correctly here (honestly, it was hard for Alec to focus on much else of what Magnus was saying past that). Alec mentally curses himself at the flare of hope that blooms in his chest at the thought without his permission.

Magnus huffs out a rather loud, disbelieving laugh at that.

“Do I want to…? My, you _certainly_ know how to tempt— Sure. ‘Kiss’. Let’s go with that.” The tips of Alec’s ears burn up at what Magnus is insinuating but Alec refuses to comment on it, seeing the deflection for what it is (not that Alec thinks Magnus is exactly _lying_ here…). “The fact remains, Alexander, that what you need is—”

“D-Don’t tell me what I ‘need’. I’m so _sick_ of people telling me what I should do. You don’t get to decide that for me,” Alec snaps, perhaps a bit too harshly. The flash of anger turns into a strong sense of determination that settles itself within Alec’s chest because suddenly Alec needs to _know_ what ‘this’ is between them and Magnus needs to stop treating him like some damn child! 

Magnus looks surprised but almost pleasantly so (and also rather…Alec doesn’t get why but is that _pride_ in Magnus's eyes? Seriously, what’s up with everyone being so damn proud of Alec lately?), but Magnus is now waiting patiently for Alec to continue, giving Alec his complete attention, and just like that the words start tumbling out of Alec’s mouth in a rush. 

“Look, Magnus. If you don’t want to, uh. _K-Kiss_ me—”

Magnus’s snort there sounds just a tad too ridiculous and Alec can’t help a twitch of a smile at that.

“Then fine. I get it. But if you _do_ , then Magnus, I…I-I just. Fuck. I need to _know_ what ’this’ is between us, okay? Y-You and Izzy told me to…’follow my heart’; ‘do what makes me happy’ and ‘live for myself’. Whatever. But I don’t… _know_ what that means or how I’m even suppose to figure out something like that. Magnus, family is everything to me. Y-You have to know that. They’ve always come first and yesterday, I—” 

Alec takes a deep, steadying breath. Here goes nothing.

“I thought…marrying Lydia was what I needed to do—” 

Magnus doesn’t look at all shocked to hear that tidbit of information and that admittedly leaves Alec reeling for moment but he rapidly blinks that away for another time, trying to focus on the matter at hand. 

“A-And honestly? If that’s what’s best for my family…I-I’m still not sure I shouldn’t—” 

Again, Magnus doesn’t look like that shocks him either and okay, Alec needs some answers.

“O-Okay, _why_ are you not—?”

“Do give me _some_ credit, Alexander. True, I wasn’t exactly ‘sure’ but I could take a wild guess with the information I had,” Magnus cuts in gently before giving Alec a small, understanding smile. “So. You think kissing me will give you the insight you need in order to decide what you should do, is that it?” Magnus laughs before Alec can answer, but his laugh isn’t unkind, or even mocking towards Alec for believing in such a notion (which when said out loud like that, Alec can admit it _is_ a rather strange one). “That’s an awful lot to ride on with a kiss, don’t you think?” 

Alec’s throat is way too dry and he gulps heavily.

“Maybe,” Alec admits, perhaps a bit _too_ truthfully. “But Magnus…I-I don’t know what else to do.”

Then Alec waits.

Magnus regards Alec for what feels like an eternity, an unreadable expression on his face, looking for _something_ in Alec’s expression and Alec is about to call the whole thing off to get away from such an intense gaze when Magnus sighs, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

“How am I expected to say ‘no’ with you looking at me like that?” Magnus tries to joke with a weak smile. Alec is distantly aware that there’s an edgein Magnus’s tone, something that sounds almost suspiciously too close to guilt (but no, that can’t be right. What would Magnus feel guilty about?), but Alec gets sidetracked because he didn’t _actually_ hear that correctly, right?

“So you’ll—?”

Magnus interrupts Alec by placing a finger against Alec’s lips and Alec gets momentarily stunned into silence.

“Kiss you, darling, yes.” Alec’s heart stutters at the word. ‘Darling’. Alec actually… _likes_ the sound of that. The way the word rolls off of Magnus’s tongue so effortlessly. “On, one condition. Alexander, I’m going to provide you with what _I_ think you need, and you’ll have to trust me on that. That’s not to say, however, that if I do something you’re not comfortable with that you’re to remain silent. In fact you’re to  _immediately_ tell me if I do anything you don’t like. If you can’t agree to those terms then we’re not doing this. This is nonnegotiable. Are we clear?”

Alec frowns at how serious Magnus is taking this (and with all the rules because by the Angel, it’s only a _kiss_ ), but Alec gives a sharp nod of his head in agreement regardless because of course he trusts Magnus. What kind of question is that?

Magnus’s answering smile is blinding, and he removes his finger from Alec’s lips in a way that’s oddly reminiscent of the time they had cocktails at Magnus’s (which seems like a whole other lifetime ago).

“Good! Now that _that’s_ taken care of…” Magnus’s smile gentles and he gives Alec a reassuring squeeze with the hand that’s still on Alec’s shoulder. “Close your eyes, darling. And kindly keep them closed for me, would you?” 

Alec’s heart stutters again at being called ‘darling’ but Alec complies, closing his eyes shut without a word. Sitting there, not knowing what to expect and not being able to _see_ sets Alec’s heart racing. Alec doesn’t know what he’s expecting Magnus to do, not really. To kiss Alec on the lips, certainly, but what Alec doesn’t expect is the palm he feels gently cupping his cheek. 

Magnus’s thumb is lightly rubbing back and forth along Alec’s cheekbone, and Magnus is holding Alec like he’s actually something _precious_ and Alec can’t stop the shaky breath he lets out at how gentle it all is.

This is _not_ what Alec was expecting when he asked Magnus for a kiss.

“You _are_ allowed to touch back, you know…,” Magnus murmurs, his tone light and teasing and suddenly right next to Alec’s ear. Alec huffs out a shaky laugh at that but doesn’t trust himself to do anything more than obey. Magnus’s hips seemed to work before so Alec takes a rather awkward hold of them with both hands.

Magnus hums his approval before grazing his lips against the shell of Alec’s ear.

“ _Relax_ , Alexander. Haven’t you been kissed before?” Alec doesn’t answer but the tips of his ears are burning up and Alec _swears_ he can feel Magnus smirk and _knows_ , but Alec also gets the sense that Magnus is only teasing him. Not mocking him for his inexperience. Never mocking him for something like that. Magnus doesn’t wait for Alec’s response though and drags his lips away. “Well, no matter. I’m still going to make this kiss a rather exceptional one.”

With the way things have been going already, Alec highly doubts that’s going to be a problem, when Magnus surprises Alec _yet again_ by sliding his hand down now to cup along Alec’s neck, right underneath Alec’s jaw, and Magnus brings his lips to brush right at the corner of Alec’s eye. There’s a curl of tension winding itself inside Alec and Alec’s grip on Magnus’s hips are probably border-lining on painful but Magnus doesn’t seem to care or notice as he places the next unhurried kiss along Alec’s cheekbone. The tension winds itself tighter and tighter when another is placed on the bridge of Alec’s nose before moving on to Alec’s other cheekbone but unlike before where Alec felt trapped with nowhere to run, _this_ feels entirely good. Almost too good, to be honest, because Alec never even _imagined_ a kiss could feel like this and Magnus hasn’t even kissed Alec on the lips yet (if Magnus even intends to, and Alec isn’t sure if that would even disappoint him if Magnus didn't). Alec’s heart feels like it’s about to burst at the gentleness and almost _reverence_ that Magnus places with each brush of his lips on Alec’s face.

It doesn’t take long for Alec to be left entirely breathless, his lips parting and breathing in and out in harsh breaths before _finally_ Magnus grazes his lips against where Alec wants them the most and Alec’s heart _stops_.

The kiss is more chaste than Alec expected, and Magnus shifts the hand cupping Alec’s neck a fraction so that he can skim his thumb onto Alec’s chin, getting a grip on Alec’s head so that he can guide it to the side, changing the angle, and _oh._ Alec’s mind goes blissfully blank when Magnus swipes his tongue along Alec’s bottom lip like that (almost like it’s a promise of things to come) and Alec’s fingers give a weird sort of spasm around Magnus’s hips, feeling an answering, calming squeeze from Magnus with his other hand that’s _still_ on Alec’s shoulder, keeping the both of them at a firm distance and Alec’s body is shivering at the new sensations (and was that embarrassingly loud moan actually coming from _Alec_? By the Angel…), and Alec instinctually opens his mouth to Magnus more, and—

Magnus stops Alec with his hold on Alec's chin, refusing to deepen the kiss and to push Alec for more, despite Alec's silent plea, and Magnus instead drags his lips to the corner of Alec’s mouth to place a small peck there in silent apology. Alec’s panting out in harsh breaths, but he keeps his eyes closed like Magnus asked, feeling warm breathing against his own lips in return. Magnus brushes his lips against Alec’s one more time before retreating back and Alec subconsciously leans forward to follow the warmth. 

When Alec can’t find it, his eyes snap open in a daze and by the Angel, the _look_ Magnus is giving him right now leaves Alec entirely breathless all over again. Magnus is looking at Alec like _Alec_ is the one who took Magnus’s breath away, not the other way around. It’s such an open, unguarded and _genuine_ look. So gentle and utterly _fond_ , and it’s with a bone deep certainly then that Alec realizes he _wants_. Wants to see that expression on Magnus’s face again and again, and Magnus was right: it _was_ a lot to ride on with only a kiss but it wasn’t just a kiss, was it? It felt like a silent offering for a chance at something more and Alec _wants that_. Alec wants to see his siblings as happy and safe as they were with Magnus earlier, wants to find out alongside them the story of the loyal Chinese warrior and her companions, to watch Magnus ruffle Max’s hair all fond again and to give him more candy and to just watch Magnus be simply as magical as he is and Alec…Alec wants all of that. 

Alec still isn’t sure he has his answer on what’s best for his family in the long run, but now that Alec has had a taste of whatever ‘this’ is and knows how happy Magnus makes his siblings, at how accepting they are of Magnus and how much they absolutely adore him… it’s hard for Alec not to convince himself that maybe ‘this’ could be what’s best for his family. Whatever the reason, Alec has never felt more sure.

Alec can’t marry Lydia. He won’t.

But no matter how Alec tries to justify it, he’s…never felt more selfish before in his life, and with a sharp, cold stab in his gut, Alec isn’t sure how to feel about that.

“There. A kiss. As requested…,” Magnus murmurs, sounding distracted as he moves his thumb again so that he can swipe it along Alec’s bottom lip, almost like he can't resist doing such a thing. “Now, time for you to rest, I think, so up you go!”

Alec blinks rapidly, not quite registering Magnus’s words yet before the sharp twisting in his gut is gone and turning into confusion because in flurry of motion, Magnus shifts himself enough to get out of Alec’s grip (and there’s a moment of panic at that because what did Alec _do_ to mess things up so badly, so quickly?) before in one fluid motion, Magnus simultaneously grabs Alec’s hand with one of his own and uses it to effortlessly pull Alec to stand upright with him (dammit but Alec didn’t realize just how _strong_ Magnus could be and why does that send such a pleasant heat through Alec’s gut?) while Magnus snaps his other fingers and with a blue spark, changes his clothes back into what looks like the pair of Alec’s sweats and tee from before.

Alec is still in a bit of a daze when Magnus makes his way towards the direction of Alec’s bed, using their linked hands to drag Alec along behind him.

“Now. I don’t know about you, but I refuse to pass up such a perfect opportunity to get a certain shirtless and absolutely _gorgeous_ man into his bed. And while usually I’m _quite_ flexible—” Magnus tosses a playful smirk over his shoulder at Alec then and the tips of Alec’s ears are burning up again. Seriously, will Alec’s ears _ever_ be a normal temperature around this man for more than ten minutes? “I’m feeling ‘big spoon’ right now.” 

Then the two have reached Alec’s bed and Magnus plops himself right down to sit at the edge. Magnus looks so relaxed, everything about his movements effortless, like he’s done this a hundred times before with Alec, and Alec’s heart stutters at the thought and, well… honestly, Alec feels like his brain has short-circuited. Alec doesn’t know whether he should be objecting to something right now (although Alec _really_ can't find a reason to) because Magnus is in his _bed_.

Alec blinks back to himself when Magnus gives Alec’s hand a small, encouraging squeeze, and Alec’s heart speeds up when he watches Magnus’s smirk gentle and turn _fond_ again.

“As hard as it’s going to be to contain myself around you, darling, I assure you that we’re only going to be taking a nap,” Magnus promises lightly, still teasing, and Alec’s heart stutters again when Magnus says ‘darling’. “What you need right now is rest. Cuddling, certainly. You promised me that you’d trust me before, remember? A quick nap for an hour—two, tops. Then we’ll go check in with Isabelle.” Magnus gives Alec a critical once-over then. “You look like you’re about to keel over any second. I honestly don’t know whether to be impressed or alarmed that you’re stubborn enough to stay on your feet after the day you’ve just had.”

Magnus’s words remind Alec just how true they are, how utterly _exhausted_ Alec feels, but despite how tempting the whole idea of taking a nap with Magnus in his bed is, Alec hesitates. A thought crosses Alec’s mind and Alec hastily glances back over his shoulder to his bedroom door.

“But what about—?” 

“Locked!” Magnus answers almost cheerfully before he notices Alec’s expression and Magnus turns serious again. “No one’s going to miss you for a few hours, Alexander. Believe it or not, people are actually _expecting_ you to be resting right now. Being in the privacy of your own room with the door locked is hardly considered suspicious behavior. Everything else can wait until after.” Magnus pauses for a moment before a look of realization crosses his features and the smile Magnus now gives Alec is sad, yet entirely too knowing. “There’s nothing wrong with letting yourself have this, Alexander.”

Alec doesn’t think Magnus is only talking about taking a nap together, and Alec feels his expression going blank. The sharp, coldness stabs into Alec's gut again, twisting in itself at the reminder of his selfishness.

“Isn’t there?” It’s not actually a question, and Magnus picks right up on that and laces their fingers together, bringing their intertwined fingers up to brush his lips against the back of Alec’s hand. This time Alec’s heart aches at the sight. Alec wants to have this so badly, but…

“No. There isn’t.” Magnus’s voice is resolute, brokering no room for argument, and Magnus makes sure to keep direct eye contact with Alec. Like Magnus is  _imploring_ Alec to believe that too. 

Maybe it’s because Alec wants to believe Magnus so badly, wants to believe that he’s allowed to have ‘this’ (whatever ‘this’ ends up being) because Alec closes his eyes for a moment to take in a deep, steadying breath before opening them when he exhales.

“Okay.”

When Magnus smiles at him like he is right now, despite how it’s much sadder than Alec would like, it’s a lot easier for Alec to tell himself that he _does_ believe it’s okay to have ‘this’.

Magnus doesn’t push Alec on the subject, doesn’t give Alec empty promises on how it’s going to all be okay, or that whatever happens it’ll work out because they both don’t know if it will. Alec appreciates that more than Magnus knows because there’s still too much for Alec to think about and consider. Too much to worry about when there’s still the matter of Lydia and the Institute to deal with, and the consequences that Alec is going to have face at having made his decision. What that decision could mean for his family’s future because Alec knows he’s taking a serious gamble here but he’s hoping it’s the right one. But Alec is simultaneously emboldened by his family’s undying support and their love. From Izzy and Max, and Jace, and now his family might include Magnus too, and Alec isn’t sure he’s ready for what’s going to happen after this moment, but Alec is a Lightwood. He breaks noses and he’ll accept the consequences. Regardless, Alec will make damn sure that his family won’t suffer for 'this'.

So Alec lets Magnus silently tug him forwards onto the bed and for this one moment at least, Alec allows himself to be selfish and to not worry. To simply enjoy ‘this’.

When Alec does eventually fall asleep, he’s never slept so soundly, surrounded by all sides in nothing but warmth and _Magnus_ , and despite not knowing what the future could now mean for him…

Alec is happy.


End file.
